Sex Addiction: Not Just For Men (article)

SEX ADDICTION: NOT JUST FOR MEN
By Anita Chaudhuri
The Sunday Times
October 26, 2008

http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/relationships/articl
e4993747.ece

Any time I met a guy who didn¹t respond to me sexually, it would make me
determined to have him,² confesses Valerie, 35, a human-resources manager in
the City. ³It became a challenge, a game, regardless of whether he was
married or with someone. The lowest point came when I tried to seduce my
best friend¹s fiancé. I couldn¹t bear the fact that, when they were
together, he wouldn¹t so much as look at me. It was an itch I had to
scratch.²

³Sex addict² is the last phrase that would come to mind if you met the
demure and sober-suited Valerie. Yet she is in 12-step recovery for that
very issue. ³Everyone used to tell me how lucky I was, as I could get any
man I wanted. I¹m quite a competitive person and it was important for me to
know that, in my circle of girlfriends, I was viewed as the hottest.²

That sex and, by extension, love are highly addictive is no longer up for
debate. Comparative brain scans of the love-struck and cocaine-addicted show
almost identical areas of brain activity. And, for the first time, people
are starting to talk about sex addiction. Russell Brand has owned up to
having treatment and David Duchovny recently outed himself as a sufferer.
Next month sees the release of a Hollywood film, Choke, devoted to the
subject.

Experts say the number of sex addicts is rising — and, contrary to popular
opinion, they are not all men. ³In America, 30% of people coming in for
treatment for sex addiction are female,² says Don Serratt, director of Life
Works, which offers sex-addiction treatment in the UK. In this country, few
women present themselves as sex addicts, but that doesn¹t mean the problem
is less prevalent. ³They¹ll come for help with alcoholism, drug addiction or
depression and, in the course of treatment, the sex addiction, the root
cause of the other addictions, will be uncovered,² Serratt says.

Valerie was unaware she had an addiction, even when her friend¹s fiancé
rejected her advances and threw a drink over her, telling her some
unpleasant home truths for good measure. It was only as she got older and
her friends started to settle down that she began to question her behaviour.

³I was embarrassed to find myself aged 35, with the longest relationship on
my romantic CV lasting only three months,² she says. She went to counselling
because she wanted to stop going for the wrong men. ³That¹s when I realised
that I¹d been living in a fantasy world. What I loved most about sex wasn¹t
the act itself. It was lying in bed together afterwards, talking into the
small hours, feeling that sense of connection. I often convinced myself I
was in love with these guys, but it would soon wear off.²

Susan Cheever, a self-confessed sex addict who has just written Desire:
Where Sex Meets Addiction (Simon & Schuster), agrees that this blurring of
the lines between the compulsions of love and sex is common among women. ³If
there is a difference between sex and love addiction, I don¹t know what it
is,² she says. ³Sometimes people say they just fall in love too frequently.
Are they saying they don¹t want to have sex with those people? Love addict
sounds nicer for sure.²

As Cheever recounts in the book, there were times when every man who crossed
her path was fresh prey, from removal men to bookshop reps — taking in
three husbands and her mother¹s oncologist on the way. ³Whenever there was a
crisis,² she admits, ³I found a man to take the edge off the feelings of
helplessness and pain² — regardless of the upheaval she risked unleashing
on her husbands and two children. ³Adultery is the drink-driving of sex
addiction,² she observes.

A bleaker story emerges, however. ³My parents spent a great deal of time
telling me that I was unattractive and would never find a husband. Perhaps
proving my parents wrong was one of my motivations. If so, I didn¹t realise
it at the time. It¹s tricky, because addiction to other people, specifically
addiction to a sex partner, is the only one that is applauded and embraced
by our culture, despite the fact that there is more collateral damage than
with drugs or alcohol.²

It is a pattern Serratt is all too familiar with. ³Female sex addicts crave
intimacy, ² he says. ³They¹ll use sex and seduction to create that closeness
with a guy — but, once they get it, they freak out and move on to the next
one.²

Yet, although they crave intimacy, Serratt believes female sex addicts are
subconsciously terrified by it. Because of their low self-esteem, they are
scared of a man getting to know the ³real² them. ³Sex addicts will often
say, ŒOh, I can never meet the right man¹, but that¹s because as soon as a
guy turns up who is everything they want, it scares them and they kill it.
Once they¹re in a relationship, they¹ll begin to find fault and start saying
ŒOh, he¹s lazy/he¹s fat/he¹s broke¹, then dump him. Sex addicts also have
poor discernment skills for choosing boyfriends. They tend to go for
superficial qualities, because what they¹re attracted to is a fantasy.²

Certainly for Justine, a 38-year-old mother of two, fantasy was the driving
force behind a habit that nearly wrecked her life. She was married to a rich
entrepreneur for 18 years, and her life appeared enviable, yet for two
decades she had a string of affairs, taking crazy risks to spend time with
her lovers.

³I was addicted to the thrill,² she recalls. ³Going to Harvey Nichols to buy
La Perla lingerie, meeting a new man, drinking champagne with him, going to
bed with him for the first time. With other men, I could express my
sexuality in a different way. I hardly ever had sex with my husband — it
became a chore.²

Having two daughters, now aged five and seven, did little to curb her
behaviour. ³I cringe when I think of the risks I took. One day, I told the
nanny I was going to visit an old schoolfriend and wouldn¹t be back until
late that evening, then I got on the Eurostar and went to Paris with a guy
I¹d met at a friend¹s dinner party. But there was a problem on the line that
evening, and the trains back were cancelled. That was pretty scary, being
stranded in another country when nobody knew I was there, and knowing my
kids were expecting me to read them a story. I phoned and said I was staying
with the friend because I had drunk too much to drive home.² Ultimately, it
was her drinking that led Justine into recovery. ³Ironically, my husband was
fixated on the fact that I might be an alcoholic. He didn¹t suspect anything
else. It was only after I stopped drinking that I realised I had a problem
with sex.²

³Drink is usually involved, underlying that need for intimacy,² says Style¹s
agony aunt, Sally Brampton. ³For women, sex addiction is a form of
self-abuse, to hand their body over to the nearest taker. In all the letters
I get from women, the core issue is an inability to connect and a lack of
self-worth. Funnily enough, the impulse behind women¹s sex addiction is
essentially a good one — an attempt to be intimate — but, because the
person doesn¹t understand what intimacy or boundaries mean, they get locked
into this behaviour. Ultimately, sex addiction is a distortion of the self.²

Valerie hears a painful echo of her own experience in this definition. ³I
always thought I needed male attention in order to feel good about myself,²
she says. ³Therapy helped me to see that, ironically, this need for male
validation was causing me to treat myself, and my body, as something with no
value.²

The British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy:
http://www.basrt.org.uk

Sex Addicts Anonymous:

Sex Addicts Anonymous – SAA

Life Works:
http://www.lifeworkscommunity.com

…………

NHNE Male/Female/Relationship Research:
http://www.nhne.org/tabid/491/Default.aspx