January 30, 2008 at 11:44 pm #27278
note: the whole point of healing sounds and fusion practices are to move the emotional chi before it stagnates and either “ills” or “kills” you. Article below suggest martial anger that is not processed/expressed is quite deadly. Of course, recycling the emotional energy back to your original or first feeling is not considered in this study. Using anger to get even more healthy is the fusion approach. – Michael
SPOUSES WHO FIGHT LIVE LONGER
January 23, 2008
A good argument with your spouse could be just what the doctor ordered.
Preliminary results from a survey of married couples suggest that disputing
husbands and wives who hold in their anger die earlier than expressive
“When couples get together, one of their main jobs is reconciliation about
conflict,” said researcher Ernest Harburg, professor emeritus with the
University of Michigan School of Public Health and Psychology Department.
“Usually nobody is trained to do this. If they have good parents, they can
imitate, that’s fine, but usually the couple is ignorant about the process
of resolving conflict.”
So while conflict is inevitable, the critical matter is how couples resolve
“The key matter is, when the conflict happens, how do you resolve it?”
Harburg said. “When you don’t, if you bury your anger, and you brood on it
and you resent the other person or the attacker, and you don’t try to
resolve the problem, then you’re in trouble.”
The findings add to past research showing that the release of anger can be
healthy. For instance, one study revealed when people are angry they tend to
make better decisions, perhaps because this emotion triggers the brain to
ignore irrelevant cues and focus on the meat of the matter. Individuals who
express anger might also have a sense of control and optimism over a
situation, according to another past study.
Bottled anger adds to stress, which tends to shorten lives, many studies
In the current study, the authors suggest a combination of factors to
explain the higher mortality for couples who don’t express their anger.
These include “mutual anger suppression, poor communication (of feelings and
issues) and poor problem-solving with medical consequences,” they write in
the January issue of the Journal of Family Communication.
Over a 17-year period, Harburg and his colleagues studied 192 married
couples in which spouses ranged in age from 35 to 69, focusing on aggressive
behavior considered unfair or undeserved by the person being “attacked.”
Harburg said that if an attack is viewed as fair, the victim doesn’t tend to
Based on the participants’ anger-coping responses to hypothetical
situations, Harburg placed couples into one of four categories: both
partners express their anger; the wife expresses anger; the husband
communicates anger while the other suppresses; and both the husband and wife
brood and suppress their anger.
The researchers found that 26 couples, meaning 52 individuals, were
suppressors in which both partners held in their anger. Twenty-five percent
of the suppressors died during the study period compared with about 12
percent for the other remaining couples.
In 27 percent of the suppressor couples, one member of the couple died
during the study period, and in 23 percent of those couples, both died
during the study period. That’s compared to only 6 percent of couples where
both spouses died in the remaining three groups combined. Only 19 percent in
the remaining three groups combined saw one partner die during the study
The results held even when other health factors were accounted for,
including age, smoking, weight, blood pressure, bronchial problems,
breathing and cardiovascular risk.
Harburg said the results are preliminary, and his team is now collecting
30-year follow-up data. He expects the follow-up to show almost double the
death rate compared with the preliminary findings.January 31, 2008 at 7:19 am #27279
I know and experience(d) how silent anger is a silent poison and can damage the body. In silently accepting the crossing of my border by my partner I have been building a destructive habit to my body, resulting in a painful liver (still) and gallbladder issues (improving), and resulting in a holding of acids in my body (bad)(working on it) which can result in more deeper health problems.
Since living separate this anger is coming to the surface more clearly. And it was only by having this space for myself I started to feel how much anger was stored in my body. But it took months to allow it and to start to feel it. I knew it had to be there, but when one is intelligent(which can work against you), because you start to reason and to analyze, do some practice with it. And since we believe we have a big heart and a good reasonable developed sense, you THINK you are smarter than anger, but meanwhile it is poisening your cells.
I also see that my silent anger drove me to pay back, to take revenge, silently of course and has caused pain in my partner, which was my silent and unconscious way of paying back. Which drove him damaging himself.
And so we were caught in this destructive cycle, partly conscious, we did a lot of talking, and some very deep locked away in the body.
Since three weeks I have been starting to cleans my body and liver. I feel my anger much more on the surface. Since a couple of days now I feel ice cold energy coming out of the back of my heart when I relax in bed, I had some of this releases two months ago too. But now this cold energy changes into deep vibrant waves in my body, like healing waves, which is a bit scary but when I allow it to happen it is also wonderful to feel. I feel how this release is bringing more anger to the surface but it gives me time to work with it, see it. Ultimately it is my goal to be able to forgive my partner for the hurt.
Because it stands above everything else that forgiving from deep within, is the only true act of healing. Not the mind, but the heart has to truly forgive. Yourself and the other. I can only see a healthy future for myself when I am able to forgive. I did forgive myself, but I am still in the process of forgiving him, it will take a bit more. For now, I am working my anger towards the surface, giving my liver a break from digesting food, and using herbs to cleans it. Allowing my heart to let go the pain and sadness, and allowing the healing waves work through my body. Otherwise it is clear I am in the seat for more health problems…January 31, 2008 at 7:42 pm #27281
I can feel the truth of what you are saying at a deep level,
and empathize with your journey.
There is someone in my past that has caused me a deep amount
of pain and residual anger, and I can identify with your
One thing that has helped me to release some of the bottled
frustration is to view myself and the past situation as two
different entities. All of the things that happened in pain
and anger between myself and this other person, happened between
a previous version of myself and a previous version of this other
person. I have since grown spiritually and changed in many ways
from what I was. I am no longer who I was before. Even though
I no longer see the other person, I have to believe that that
person has changed into someone else also–could be quite
similar to the previous version (I don’t know; since there is
no contact), but even if that is the case, there is still a
difference. Even though I feel very wronged by the situation,
nonetheless the two people involved no longer exist anymore–and
this idea alone allows me to stop holding onto the pain and anger.
I’m not saying it’s easy. It’s not. I understand this
more than you realize. However, at least for me, the above
position has allowed a *process* of healing to take place,
and I have found it to be the biggest wellspring of help I’ve
found. You can’t release it, if you can’t stop holding on to it–and
this has helped me to stop holding on.
With loving kindness,
StevenJanuary 31, 2008 at 8:14 pm #27283
Coincidentally we talked about it again this evening and we also came up with the same understanding as you are talking about, and we did that before as well couple of times. That we are no longer the same people as we were and that there is no need holding on to past anger, grieve, sadness, etc etc.
Living in the moment does make life much simpler.
And I agree and I am dedicated to try to live from that understanding.
But the body is slow, and despite my good brain, my good understanding and my expanded awareness, my good work and spiritual development, I feel, see and notice things in my slow body that are not yet dissolved.
Also I notice that this are very deep patterns taking us back way before our birth, into our ancestors lines, and it feels like by making space in the now, we are sucking the garbage of the ancestors into the opened spaces in our body. It is a transformational work that keeps demanding attention and dedication, love and forgiveness.
And there is a slight difference, you don’t have any contact with that person, I still have lots of contact, and he is the father of the children.
Thank you for your input StevenJanuary 31, 2008 at 9:11 pm #27285
>>And there is a slight difference, you don’t have any
>>contact with that person, I still have lots of contact,
>>and he is the father of the children.
True. And in some ways this is easier, and in some ways it’s harder.
When you don’t see the other person, you don’t have a
constant reminder of what was, you don’t have as much difficulty
separating yourself from the past interaction, and you don’t have
an annoying, nagging sense of the familiar–all of which
a person has to deal with if they see the other person.
This makes it easier.
However, when you don’t see the other person, you can’t actively
repair, defuse, resolve patterns cooperatively. Even if you don’t
want a return to the relationship, you want to mend energies with
the other person to move on–but this is inhibited. The energy just
hangs in the field and with no communication, all resolution must
come from your effort alone. This makes it harder.
In some ways I wished I had the communication that you have access to;
although that brings with it its own problems.
In either case, it’s not easy, and is a process of attention and love.
This all takes time, patience, and loving kindness, as you’re well
aware. Although annoying, your ancestors are adding to the mix
only because they know how strong you are, and hope you can help.
Obviously I can not truly understand your pain and anger; no one
can but you . . . nonetheless compassionate support is sent in your direction.
My best to you,
StevenFebruary 1, 2008 at 1:48 am #27287
I notice that I would have to realy try to hold on to my anger(it feels so drainging) if I wanted to act like most. I just cannot hold on to it, it just happens in a moment then gone, and I am very slow to anger now. Praise the Tao!February 1, 2008 at 7:33 am #27289
Looking for anger on the net, I thought this was a good summary of how women react to anger. Especially the part that says that we think to be ‘above’ it, is so true and a perfect way of deceipting ourself. I have been telling myself that for years, I actually did not feel ‘anger’ nor ‘angry’, I had pushed it so deep in my body I couldn’t connect with that particular emotion. So I said and thought, I just had no anger, I was above that emotion. I didn’t wanted to see myself as a bitch, I thought of myself as a nice, kind and loving person. HA!
Since working on my liver, clearing it out, I feel all this tight up energy that is destroying my inside, it would be great to use all that force and energy in something constructive but there are these very intense peak moments I feel I could go wild, blind heat, but… I breath through them, like I breath through my gallbladder attacks (the last one was in October, so I am improving!)
I hope the Queen of Anger Denial is not feeling angry using her words on this forum…
Posted: 2:21 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008
A few words from the Queen of Anger Denial…
As much as we may think we’re not angry… we ARE.
Many of us have been trained since birth to deny our anger. This is a very hard pattern to break.
Women, especially, do not feel entitled to be angry. I worked in a women’s prison for several years, and have seen the truth of this play out over and over. These women were ANGRY, and had every right to be… but did they fight each other? Nope. Did they assault staff? Nope.
They cut themselves, attempted suicide, and sabotaged anything good or pleasurable in their lives. They denied themselves food – imagine, denying yourself something as basic and life-sustaining as nutrition!
Women turn their rage inward. Men express it outward. Kinda mirrors our biology, doesn’t it?
I’ve spent my whole life thinking I’m not capable of experiencing (never mind expressing) white hot rage. I stupidly assumed that I was “above” that particular nasty emotion. Well, I’m not above it. And that scares the SHIT out of me.
When I try to talk about the A with Mr. D, I start to cry right away… know why? Because it’s easier to cry than to admit I’m mad as hell. It’s easier to allow my anger to be experienced as strength-sapping depression than it is to push it out of me. It’s easier to let MYSELF be destroyed by it, than to puke it out of me and be done with it.
That’s how afraid I am of my anger. A part of me is aware that I’m allowing myself to be slowly and systematically destroyed and dissolved by this anger-poison… all because I’m too chicken to face the face that it really and truly exists.
I’m hoping that’s the first step to actually allowing myself to BE angry!February 1, 2008 at 4:55 pm #27291
Angry women may change the world. There is nothing like an angry Mom/wife to get a house in line. May women grow a pair and men find there breasts.:)February 2, 2008 at 7:16 am #27293
Last night we had our final Tao Women class and I figured it was a perfect opportunity to talk about anger. They all understood and confirmed very well the hidden anger strategy. So in order to release some of that, we did breathing and toning which evolved into shouting, screaming and yelling(lucky I have no neighbours). We did sponateous movements which evolved into kicking, hitting pillows and such, jumping, boxing, and we had a great deal of laughter too. Because the noise and the active movements were sometimes just hilarious and brought some deep joy and feelings of openness and relieve, which made us laugh hard. The senior of our group was so happy and felt so relieved smashing the pillow seeing the face of her ex. One of us was not able to scream or yell, she felt she was so locked up that she only could laugh, that was the best she came up with to express herself.
4 felt a major block in the throat, 2 felt big tension in the hips and legs. Our 7th member is in a mental hospital since more than a month, over stressed, I am sure she would have enjoyed the screaming and kicking.
I have so much pleasure with this group I offered to proceed with each other, and join every month to talk and support, to practice and to meditate together. They all were very happy and felt it was necessary to have this kind of support with other women. Especially since 6 of us are in a divorce or post-divorce situation, and our 7th mystery woman has reveiled her love-history last night, after our screaming release session. We were all stunned. Our silent woman has a deep and very intriging love life, so it seems…
Still waters, deep waters
Hidden anger is a very deep and silent yet destructive shadow, pushing down our inner strengths and power. So I am very happy to see the committment of these women to unite, to support and to communicate…February 2, 2008 at 1:59 pm #27295
It sounds like your group is exactly what a lot of you
need to help facilitate a journey of deep healing, and
the support gathered through continued meeting may help
to effect further releases. –S
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