November 29, 2007 at 8:17 pm #26419
Today some things came together and I just had to write them down:
In the last nine months I have been going through a lot of anger issues.
My relationship with my liver-shen has always been a complicated one.
Sometimes I blow up in a rage, without understanding why.
In the past couple of years I have been learning where some of these rages come from.
And it’s allways connected to old anger.
Anger about being abandonned as a child, anger about not been respected, anger about not being heard, anger about being abused, so many angry little girls…
And then there is the anger from past lifetimes with memories of being raped, molested and murdered
I also came to experience that anger is not always a negative emotion. When I was in the process of breaking up with my partner, I found there where many advantages to anger.
Anger can give you the power to change things that are stuck so that new things can grow (the power of Kali). Anger is a great painkiller that can numb the pain of letting go. In that sense it can also be highly addictive (ask any rageaholic).
I also came to understand that my aspirations to be a teacher were based on an old feeling of revenge ( I’ll teach them!)
But what does anger tell me? I just couldn’t figure it out.
Communicating with my liver-shen it often shows itself as a soldier. At first it looked very much like Sadam Hoesein. After releasing some of the old anger it appeared as an old friendly general who had seen it all and for a long time after that I had a problem getting angry at all. Ever since last spring though,it looks like a young soldier and I notice that it’s energy has changed since then. I am much more inclined to do things, new things.
In the last 5 years I watched a lot of television and still do. I learned a lot that way. Especially from watching programms on raising children like Super Nanny!
And what is it that makes children angry? I finally sussed it out. I think it is all about bounderies. Now that’s making sense to me. It’s all about not feeling safe.
I was never very good at bounderies (which figures) and I still have a lot to learn in that respect. But I understand that it is what this young soldier is doing: protecting my boundaries. I noticed it is very protective towards the kidneys. So that’s why I get grumpy when I’m tired ( I always think I can do more than I can) and why I get angry at people who take me for granted. But then I never told anybody I had boundaries in the first place, I never even realised I had any…
More food for thaught…
Thank you for letting me ramble
LoesNovember 30, 2007 at 4:01 am #26420
It’s good that you’ve had the opportunity to get
some breakthroughs and be able to connect with some of the
sources of your anger.
I think boundaries are a big key, and in some ways,
I think you’ve stumbled onto the solution to anger.
Let me explain why I think so, and possibly
add some other things to consider:
In my opinion, I think the solution to anger has a lot to do with staying
centered and operating from within rather than from the outside.
What I mean is, I think anger oftentimes comes from not
using your inner self to define you, but instead using the
outside world and outside influences to try to define you.
Since the outside world and outside influences are, in fact,
not you–it makes you angry because you don’t fit the pattern
that you are taking in.
Examples would be useful here (note: when I use “you” I mean the general you)
1. Say you are in traffic, and someone cuts you off . . .
You think, “that stupid idiot, why did you do that, blank blank blank”.
You get angry because you perceive that they’re interfering in
your world. You’re taking in this external influence into your being,
rather than keeping outside (like your soldier at guard analogy).
The reality is that the person who cut you off wasn’t even thinking
about you and was in their own world, and it was not there intention
to engage you. In some sense, by getting upset, it is you who are engaging them!
2. As a teacher, suppose you grade exams and the students don’t
do well. You get angry. You think, “damn it; why are they not
doing well or working hard?; I put a lot of time and effort into
teaching well, and this is the thanks I get? Blank blank blank”.
Again, you get angry because you perceive that somehow they
are personally disrespecting you by not valuing your effort and
therefore not working hard. You take in their actions and
you make yourself somehow responsible for them (again, your guard
isn’t working to keep the outside out). In reality
again, the students have their own agendas. Maybe they were
really busy with other classes, maybe they are getting tired
of school, maybe whatever–but whatever the reason they did
poorly, it was not because they wanted to piss you off. Once
you realize this, and don’t internalize it, you can view the
situation more externally. Then, instead of getting angry,
knowing that everyone is trying to make their own way in the
world, you can react with compassion.
Now this is not to mean that you should just be a doormat, and
let people walk all over you. What it means is that you view
the outside as exactly that–the outside. If something from
the outside tries to come in that doesn’t fit your plan, you
just don’t even engage it. In other words, if someone tries
to get you to do something you don’t want to do or tries to
intentionally get into your space, you just “close the door”
on them. You recognize that they have problems to deal with,
but that they are their problems and you are not going to
make them yours.
Of course, don’t be surprised if you feel extremely calm and
content on the inside, while you then watch them get upset
because they don’t understand the boundary issue either.
When you first start to do this, you may feel yourself getting
angry as you weaken and decide to take in some of what they
are putting out–you let your boundary down.
After time, however, when you’ve gotten good at shutting the
heavy lead door–you’ll actually start to feel amused on the
inside when this happens. As they are angry, you’ll think and feel
to yourself, “look how silly and foolish this person is being; they’re
getting all riled up and losing control, and I am unaffected and feel
fine; their attempt to invade my world is completely failing”, and you’ll
feel slightly amused that they are trying to force their way through
a door that weighs several tons.
Then, after this happens for a time, the novelty of that wears off, and
you’ll tend to be completely detached from the situation–and if
anything, after the fact, have a sort of light sympathetic compassion
for them–sort of feeling sorry for them that they haven’t learned
to remain happy and calm within and that they don’t experience the
happiness in life that you do.
So in summary, not only do I think boundaries play a part,
they are in fact the whole thing really. Avoid taking in the
outside as an attack on you, and anger dissipates.
An inner smile to you,
StevenNovember 30, 2007 at 10:23 am #26422
“”””””I was never very good at bounderies (which figures) and I still have a lot to learn in that respect. But I understand that it is what this young soldier is doing: protecting my boundaries.
*************** I noticed it is very protective towards the kidneys. So that’s why I get grumpy when I’m tired ( I always think I can do more than I can)^**************
and why I get angry at people who take me for granted. But then I never told anybody I had boundaries in the first place, I never even realised I had any…””””””
Comments by S D
I sutanly recognize being angry when tired and especially when not listening to my body for instance while studying. I realy like your description of the anger as a soldier protecting your/mine boundaries and kidneys (Having a kidney issue my self). I think this will help me. I exactly for about two days ago was wery angry and didn’t listen to my limits. This description helps me with my burn out syndrome thx
I have a question: Some people I think for instant Echard Tolle describes a general angerproblem woman have beacase of being supressed under generations. Like an issue on an archetypical level every woman have to deal with. Comming up as issues especially during mestruation and PMS. Is this something you recognice from your life your own anger issue?
Sincerely S DNovember 30, 2007 at 11:54 am #26424
As you can imagine I had a burnout myself as a result of not being aware of my boundaries.
As far as the archetypical anger of women goes, I suppose I may not be a typical woman. Never had much problems with PMS either.
My anger was mostly focussed on other women (my mother and three older sisters were dominant in the household I grew up in) and I tended to side more with the men. I have been working in the company of men for twenty years and liked that very much. So I am quite used to looking at things from a male perspective.
It took me quite a while to learn to trust other women (and as a result the woman in me) and I have been noticing lately I still have issues with that.
Last year I did a lot of research about differences in male/female behaviour and it got me thinking about who holds the power anyway. In the long run I think women may be stronger then men. So who is surpressing who anyway?
I also have memories of former lifes as a man and it made me realise that a male ego is not an easy thing to live up to. I experienced utter powerlesness over my own sexdrive and in one life I raped my own daughter.
On the other hand, I have memories of a life in wich I was a powerfull woman, who planned wars and have men fighting them for her.
It got me thinking about great/smallness and the relativity of it.
Now who to be angry with?
(with a smile)November 30, 2007 at 1:09 pm #26426
“””””””As you can imagine I had a burnout myself as a result of not being aware of my boundaries. “”””””””
>>>>Well I was on my way to warn you against it beacase I felt you had the kind of personality vulnrable to a burneour. Instead you learned me something to be more aware with. Anger liver and overworking kidneys>>>>
“”””””””As far as the archetypical anger of women goes, I suppose I may not be a typical woman. Never had much problems with PMS either. “””””””””
>>>>>>>Well perhaps you not draw to you the typical womanish problems beacase you have developed the more masculine side of yourself. Then not have anger towards men and not have PMS either. (If it is connected as Tolle and others says)
“””””””My anger was mostly focussed on other women (my mother and three older sisters were dominant in the household I grew up in) and I tended to side more with the men. I have been working in the company of men for twenty years and liked that very much. So I am quite used to looking at things from a male perspective.
It took me quite a while to learn to trust other women (and as a result the woman in me) and I have been noticing lately I still have issues with that. “”””””””
>>>>My guess is you always will have issues with this more or less. >>>>>>>>
“””””””””Last year I did a lot of research about differences in male/female behaviour and it got me thinking about who holds the power anyway. In the long run I think women may be stronger then men. So who is surpressing who anyway? “”””””””””
>>>>>>>I resently had a discusion about feminism and I realised I have big problem with one of the main thesis that we live in a patriarchatic society that automatically supresses woman. I think the patriarchatic society excist but it is to 1 dimensional to look at things from this perspective. It’s also wery dangerous to have such ideas in a human thinking that can’t realy be questioned. You have to see what happens in a particular situation to solve or understund a problem/situation. To always claim woman are supressed doens’t seem to make any evolution of things. It’s more of making wore. So I have some problem with feminism at least in this aspect. About supression, fight it if you want, if you see it, when it happens. But make sure you not suppressing yourself that’s the most important and most dificult aspect, I think. Nice to here you questoning the supresssion of woman. Even though it sometimes exist it’s not the only thruth. (Had to ad this to calm down Wendy a litle bit. 🙂 >>>>>>>>>>>>
“”””””””I also have memories of former lifes as a man and it made me realise that a male ego is not an easy thing to live up to. I experienced utter powerlesness over my own sexdrive and in one life I raped my own daughter. “”””””””””””
>>>>>>>>So you have kind of experienced the male sexuality. What do you feel is the main difference compared to your sexuality as a woman???>>>>>>>>
“”””””””””””On the other hand, I have memories of a life in wich I was a powerfull woman, who planned wars and have men fighting them for her.
It got me thinking about great/smallness and the relativity of it. “”””””””””
“”””””””Now who to be angry with? “”””””””””
>>>>>Sorry if I not managed to upset you enough 🙂 :)>>>>>>>>>>>
FINALLY SOME QUESTION TO YOU LOES:
I begin to look at or more think about the fusion practises and feelings. Especially since I had some much unbalanced days behind me. Are this changes with your anger connected to the practise, fusion for instance. Is the evolution of your liver soldier also connected to your practise. Are you working much with your feelings. Are you making fast or slow progress within this. Are you doing some other kind of theraphy also????
S D with a smile TONovember 30, 2007 at 5:59 pm #26428
I have been practicing HT for the last three years.
But I have done many other things as well.
Four years ago I was still addicted to drugs, alcohol, anger, sugar, junkfood, work and a bad relationship and suffering from a burnout.
Once I started breaking that pattern I found that underneath was a very sensetive person. And since I was desperate to change I was open to new things. That was probably the reason the practice made such impact on me. It felt like coming home.
In the last four years I have been seeing a psychiatrist, an ADHD-coach, a mesologist, and a NEI-therapist.
I’ve changed my lifestyle, my diet, broke up my relationship, did some intensive therapy, I learned a lot about a lot of things.
In the last year I did some fusion and even some Kan and Li practice.
At the moment I am not doing any regular HT practice except for inner smile and some iron shirt. Last summer during a retreat I noticed I had a problem grounding due to trustissues regarding my mother.
At the same time my whole body started protesting against all the changes it had to make. I had been going way to fast (story of my life…)
So I decided to have a time out. Since I was to restless to stay at home and rest I had to go and do something else. Right now I work out at the gym three times a week.
That helps with the grounding. The kidneys love cycling. When I feel OK, I do some bellydancing and in between I walk the dog and sleep a lot. I volonteer as a teacher for a couple of hours a week.
I try not to spend to much time reading or behind the computer. It overheats my head and it gives me cold feet, which is no good for grounding.
How I deal with the emotions? When I am not to restless I sometimes do some fusion or some healing sounds.
For the rest I try not to identify myself to much with what I feel. Try to see it as emotional diarrhoea. Some emotions are easier to deal with then others. Guilt is a trickey one. I always ask myself where the emotion comes from and most of the time I get an answer one way or other. It can be something I see on TV that triggers a memory. Or a song pops up in my head wich sheds light on the issue. Sometimes there are memories from this or past lifes. Once you are open to receive answers you notice you are guided in more ways then one. It can be something somebody says in passing and then it goes click inside your head.
Regarding your question about male/female sexual energy I must admit there is no easy answer. Getting memories from past lifes, I usually get the highlights. So they are usually about extreem situations.
What struck me in the father/daughter situation was that when aroused I felt sort of diconnected like there was me and the penis as two different enteties and the penis was stronger then me. There was also a lot of anger connected to it. Anger about feeling so vulnerable. Anger I projected unto the daughter: It was all her fault for flirting with me. Weird! At the same time the daughter was really strong in the purety of her anger.
In an other extreem situation I was in a hospital. I was a soldier and my legs were shot off. My arms were in bandages and I couldn’t move them. But the worst part was that there was this really nice nurse walking around I had fallen in love with. Pure agony. Not being able to touch yourself and being sexually aroused so visibly. And the shame that came with it and at the same time the fear of not being man enough. It drove me nuts.
What struck me was that I experienced the sexual arousal as weakening and something I had no control over whatsoever and the frustration I felt as a result. This may have been due to the extreem situations. But still.
As a woman I can get weak in the knees around some men, but it doesn’t seem to conflict so much with my ego. Does that make sense?
LoesDecember 1, 2007 at 4:26 am #26430
Ohhh thx Loes
I’m a litle bit owerhelmed by your story. Feels like alot of fire and anger going around in your life. Also thinking about a close friend of mine having been with my group of “Yudelovians” but not started the practise. He has lot of anger and drug adiction combined with porn adiction. He feels UT would be a thing that could help him.
“”””As a woman I can get weak in the knees around some men, but it doesn’t seem to conflict so much with my ego. Does that make sense? “”””””
Yes I guess woman sometimes have easier with theire atractions, not shore.
It seems like you are doing and have done alot of work on yourself. I’m particularly interested in the kidney thing for the moment myself. Have problem with cycling at least spinning beacase it makes me weak and dissy. Perhaps I also shall start the gym exercises again that feels right for me. Also having issues with grounding to do, and perhaps it is a central issue to my healing from my burn out to.
Thx for your story.
Sincerely S D
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