God Announces Plans to Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion (article, humor)

God Announces Plans To Slowly Wean Humans Off Religion
NEWS IN BRIEF
August 17, 2015
Vol 51 Issue 33
The Onion

THE HEAVENS—Saying that the various belief systems had a “good run” over the last few millennia but that it was probably time for humans to get by on their own, the Lord Our God, He Who Is Seen And Unseen, proclaimed Monday that He would begin slowly weaning humanity off religion. “Religion was definitely helpful for humans when they first started out, but now it seems like it’s pretty much served its purpose—time to take the training wheels off,” said God, who argued that while the transition from religion might be difficult for a large segment of the population, ultimately humankind would be better off without it in the long run. “It’s not like I’m going to get rid of religion all in one go or anything; I’ll wind it down gradually over the next 500 years or so. Really, when you take a good look at it, the negatives are starting to outweigh the positives anyway.” At press time, God was implementing the first stage of His plan by effecting the opposite outcome of every prayer He received.