February 20, 2006 at 2:13 am #10721
This topic may have been dealt with before…I don’t know so I will risk asking again 🙂
Anyhoo – the guts of it.
I have been doing a lot of meditation and various other practices. Have really gotten into a good daily rythm over the last 6 months. Consequently I feel myself opening up to a number of different ideas – sort of coming up spontaneously within myself.
Probably the issue that is taking most of my attention is my relationship with my partner. Lately, I feel all sorts of different possibilities and ways for relationships to function and I feel a keenness within myself to follow different paths – at least paths that differ from the norm and accepted.
This, understandably, is creating a great deal of concern for my partner. Admittedly if the shoe was on the other foot, it would concern me also. I can completely understand his concerns and I don’t want him to worry but I know that I want to follow these other paths of growth and I don’t know whether he has the capability or desire to go down them himself.
Does anyone have any advice or found themselves in a similar situation – particularly since becoming involved with taoist philosophies or daily practices?
I keep coming back to myself and reminding myself that if I follow my own way and listen to my inner voice, then everything will be OK…
Emelgee.February 20, 2006 at 8:47 am #10722
Heya Emelgee –
This is when you find out what the relationship itself is made of. I had a similar issue myself definitely – I would like to ask though, whether when you say:
>>This, understandably, is creating a great deal of concern for my partner… I know that I want to follow these other paths of growth and I don’t know whether he has the capability or desire to go down them himself.< < - do you mean you actually talked about it openly with guy? - or has it been a case of remarks/hints and stuff taken out of context etc. In my case I know I nearly psyched myself out of a great relationship owing to thinking my lady wasn't up to the challenge when she was well up to it in actual fact. I had sudden and great desire to be free and she also. We sorted out the misunderstanding. In your case you phrase obliquely so it is hard to be sure whether there has been any kind of 'crunch', or it is just 'the way you sense things going' - if the latter be careful as he might surprise you if you really can tell him what's in your mind/heart/groin. When you say - >>I keep coming back to myself and reminding myself that if I follow my own way and listen to my inner voice, then everything will be OK…<< - you're obviously right. Many people on the board - myself & Rainbowbear etc. - have recently been weighing in on the subject of "be yourself at all costs", etc. Nothing can be achieved without this attitude. The thing to remember is that if YOU are being yourself and HE doesn't like it, then he does NOT really want to be with (the actual) YOU! But on the other hand, perhaps he has unfulfillment himself. Perhaps he senses yours and is just scared. In that case you have to give him time to reassess for himself and to determine whether it is really a case of incompatibility (which does happen) or rather that he is simply afraid. Not my business of course, but you don't say exactly what these 'paths that differ from the norm and accepted' actually ARE. It could be anything, as far as I can see, from growing organic vegetables to having 12-person orgies using those same vegetables... point being, the bigger the changes you want to make, the more you have to question whether you're scaring the guy. If you are, then he can get over the fear - if he wants. Many people live in fear their whole lives of course and if that's how he wants it there is little you can do. But the irony is - that's not how ANYONE really wants it! Anyway be assured this is something that happens aLOT. All spiritual practices wake up what has been sleeping. I've heard it on this and other boards before as well as in my life and I do NOT think it's bad to bring up again because every case is different. The 'norm and accepted' of today is pretty crap when you think about it, so wanting a change from it as a result of the work you're doing is normal and good sign. best of luck, NNFebruary 20, 2006 at 9:44 am #10724
Sometimes partners feel threatened by their significant other is starting to grow & or, are in fear of having to try this new found view on life. I have dealt with this my whole life since 14 with my family, coworkers, girlfriends and wife.
Simply assure them why you are doing it, don’t try to force feed it; this will cause more complications. Stand your ground on your own meditative, spiritual practices
this is everyones own personal right in life to embrace what they belive in. Assure them your not converting into a cult or something, I found that clearing the air on these issues save me alot of headaches. When they see overtime this is part of who you are now; maybe they will be more open to investigate it with you.
I hope this helps…snowlionFebruary 20, 2006 at 3:04 pm #10726
I’m sure there is more than a few of us that can relate to what you just wrote. Once you get on a deeply spiritual path, no matter what it is you are going to start shifting. Maybe your partner can make those shifts with you, maybe they don’t want to or are going in a whole differnt direction themselfs.
I was in a similar situation and eventually it came to a point for myself to either, grow, evolve or die. My partner was also “very concerned” but all i asked for (begged rather) was for us to re-imagine our relationship to allow us both to grow. We did re-imagine it though after 20 years we are not together any more. Tough way to go. There are a lot of very long term relationships splitting up right now, others following. i don’t know if it is just the times or something that has always happened.
Notice im not going to tell you what to do. I think you offered the best advice for yourself, i hope you can stay with it.
“I keep coming back to myself and reminding myself that if I follow my own way and listen to my inner voice, then everything will be OK… ”
There’s certainly truth to what you wrote but I would not judge how that may relate to your relationship. If you are concerned about the realtionship you should get some help, now, or yesterday even.
mike 🙂February 20, 2006 at 11:08 pm #10728
WEll my dear, the time seems to be pointing me to lend to you my tale of what happened in my relationship. I was married for over 20 years, had and have 3 beautiful children. My relationship with my husband was not so good, even 5 years before I started qigong and the practise of taoism (nature) I had thought about leaving, not so much that my husband was “bad”, just that there wasn’t that “joining” and “sharing” of the same things we liked. I love to go for walks, he didn’t. I loved martial arts, he didn’t. You know … the drifiting apart. Maybe fromt he start it wasn’t such a great thing but I was young and didn’t know a lot. But still I have three children I love so dearly I wouldn’t change that. Anyways, upon practising qigong my energy just took off big time. I think I literally vibrated all day, most days. I started walking late at night and watching the stars and moon, and exercising and practising and training. I loved it. And as I did this I just found I didn’t have that which was truth with my husband anymore. I was never unfaithful to him … never. And I thought if I just trained lots and practised and worked hard I could have this life of that and then I could just kind of, you know … pass the relationship off. Act like it was okay. But it was so contradictory because the more I trained, the more I became to realize that I couldn’t do that to my husband. He was depressed from his childhood … bad times he had … and I tried as much as I knew how to hlep him but the more I tried the more he dug in. Till the universe gave me situations where I saw his deep anguish and all that he hid from me, or at least some of it. And I couldn’t add to that. And I couldn’t be around it. Not me, nor my youngest son. My youngest son is … different. He hoards, he has anxiety, he is just different. And with the other two kids and my husband my youngest son was drowning … and I was drowning. So I left. I took my youngest with me. The pain that I went thru to do that was one that seared the heart to the core of the earth. I cried lots, I gave my heart to the stars lots. And no matter what I did I just couldn’t stay. So much pain. Somehow during those days the universe dulled that for me. Gave me people who helped me, who showed me other ways of life, who took my pain from me, just a little of it and held it so that I could breathe.My sensei worked me so hard, to strengthen me. The whole of everything I grew up believing … I had to dismantle. And from there I had to regrow it all. Rebuild it. From truth. My family has never had a divorce in it. My mom and dad were together for over 50 years before dad died. This that my heart guided me to do was the hardest thing. But during this time I only wanted to not hurt anyone else. Not even my husband. Nor my children. I held all the pain. 5 years have passed. Just about every day I have wished the best for my husband that I left, my other two kids came to live with me and my younger son … and we healed together .. without my husband. This last year has been full of healing. And maybe my husband will heal also on his own. I hope so.
In all of this I met someone who I have truth with. A man with whom I can share everything in energy, in physical and in spiritual. It hasn’t been easy getting there for that. I was introduced to him by someone in my samurai class .. he told me this man was my age. Well, he wasn’t. He isn’t. He is a lot younger and that took a lot of getting used to. But thru it all I just let the heart lead. I let it look past what my mind appeared to see and let it lead me. It lead me to this year of healing and this year of truly knowing that this is where I belong. Back 5 years when I had to leave … and I had to … to survive, I would never have imagined that I would ever find peace … never. And yet today it is so. Sometimes we have to go beyond what we were raised to believe by our parents and family, what society would have us believe, what we have come to believe to find that peace in our heart. All I ever wanted was for everyone to love each other and be happy. And I had such a hard time dealing with that, sometimes it cannot be. But that doesn’t mean for a second I ever stopped wishing it. And I think that maybe now those wishes have mostly come true, in that as time has passed my children and I have come so close to understnading and knowing each other for who we all are. That doesn’t me they won’t make mistakes, they will and have but I will be there for them when they need me. Sometimes we cannot see whatthe future holds, sometimes it is because the journey to get there is difficult, sometimes it is just because we feel we don’t deserve it. Sometimes we are just not ready to see it. One has to have faith that as one puts each footstep in front of the other that is where we are supposed to be. Let the heart lead always. Never stop the passion that flows from that heart. Your heart can bring to you what you need, what you so greatly desire and deserve. What your heart desires, not your mind. And that is the trick.
This is my story to just let you know that sometimes the hardest and most difficult decisions bring the most joy. And to also know that this need not always be the case but sometimes it can be. And to know that the joy that you need, the peace … is found inside you. Not inside anyone else. Not because you are with or without anyone else. And unless you are ready to face that you will never truly share truth with anyone else. And to know that sometimes even though we wish the best for someone, even though we wish a relationship could be, sometimes it just cannot … maybe that person isn’t ready. And that is not your fault. It just is. And to let that go. To be okay with that. No guilt. No grief.
And after all that, well sometimes too if there are problems in a relationship and you want it to work and the other person does too, well there are others out there to help. Give it a try. Work at it. Even soul mates have to work at relationships. Sometimes more than other relationsips just because of the knowing between the two and the sameness. And the feeling of each other. It can be difficult. Such deep sharing is not easy on this world so never expect that relationships worth having, any relationship are all sunshine, smiles and good fortune. Rarely is it so. In fact I read recently that the test of a good relationship is misfortune and disagreements. If a relationship can withstand those things then it is truly something fine and strong. Something worth fighting for.
I am veryy, very stubborn and I should’ve realized long ago that my relationship with my husband wasn’t healthy. I just kept trying and trying and trying. It is to ask for wisdom to know when to let go. When I left it was as if I had opened up this steel box I had put myself into. It was as if I could breathe again. It wasn’t my husband who did that to me. It was myself.
I have had the good fortune to be able to live my second life in this same time. It does not happen as such too often. I thank the universe for that chance. Maybe this time I can do it the way I dream of. That should be a very interesting time indeed.
Through these years I can honestly say it has taught my family so much. My daughter just left to live in another city with her boyfriend. We used to fight a lot, since she was 11 years old but this past year gave us back what we had lost years ago. We looked at each other before she left and I told her .. it is okay. You will be okay and if you need me I will be here. And she said to me … you know mom we are always okay. We always manage don’t we? And we do and we did. And she is so strong because of that. How could I change anything that has happened for if I did would she have received what she required. To hear her say that was a gift. Some wouldn’t understand that but she is like me … She is in service and she will do just fine. And when I went home after work that day she left and she was gone I cried. I will miss her but she is doing what she needs to do. And that comes back to that rather corny old saying “if you truly love them let them go”. Corny but truth.
Much good wishes to you in your journey of following your heart. It is all okay. It is not so easy sometimes. And that is okay too.
Talk to your loved ones. Communication is so important. The gifts you receive will come to you when you least expect them.
Kind of a long story, but it is a piece of what happened to me, lots more happened, lots and lots more and too much for here. Things no one would believe. And thru it all I agree with what is said here on this forum… and what you have already said … follow your heart … for it is who you are.
Rainbows!February 21, 2006 at 1:28 am #10730
Thanks, guys 🙂
All words greatly appreciated.
My partner and I have discussed this further (words are such a chore and generally confuse issues more!) and he has said he is willing to give it a try and so, we will try!
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