April 9, 2005 at 10:24 am #4197
I appreciate the back and forth on the philosophical underpinnings of the techniques we have on our doorsteps. Reminds me of the vicious fights in Talmudic academy. Different scene same passion.
I am not as well versed and learn a lot about the view one holds by default of who we are in such a simple practice as sitting or smiling.
I get a bit lost and shut down after a while. I realize my life isn’t stimulated as much by philosophical discourse as to what is happening in my daiy life. How the intersection of my applied philosophy transmutes the story I am moving through to my greater desires of wholeness and love. In that spirit I share the following—————
The situation: a customer of mine called to complain about my wallpaper job that I did in her daughters’ bathroom. She railed about my incompetence, compared me to her dead father, who ‘expertly’ hung paper, and the next day she called the local store to complain about their giving my name out to her as a reference.
What I did: I went right over to the jobsite and met the poor son-in-law caught in between this drama of his mother-in-law and daughter (his new wife) and saw that I didn’t do anything ‘wrong’, but could see what was bothering her and explained options to the young man, who just asked me to leave. It was very uncomfortable and felt messy.
What ensued: The mother called me again and complained, so I told her I simply had to meet HER and show her what was up. She wanted to coordinate that meeting at the model house in the development to show me ‘how much better that job was, compared to mine’. Oy.
That call was two weeks ago and it took me till yesterday to see her. What is of interest is this job was completed on the very day I left for Fusion 1 last month and it was the first complaint I met up with upon my return. Praise the Tao…hehe
Inner process: I moved from panic and fear at getting caught at a mistake to self righteous ‘how dare you’ anger to worry at my reputation and doubt of my own integrity. I went to the model house on my own, days before our meeting, and saw the choices that hanger had made and the problems that rose from them. In my adult rational mind I held inner conversations with this woman at our planned meeting that supported me and honored her. I didn’t allow her to walk over me or let my emotions spill out. Yet, as the real meeting got closer, the thought of it made my stomach contract, released adrenaline and fear.
How Fusion helped: All through the weeks I brought this situation into my pearls. I let myself really feel the shaking of fear and the fire of my anger. It brought up memories of my parents, authority and in general my tendency to hide emotions from others and boil them inside. I would balance and dissolve them in my perfect weather system but still, when the time came closer, fear and apprehension, like stage fright, ruled.
On the day of the meeting: I had a tape of fusion playing in my car and heard one sentence that drilled into me. The ‘Po’ soul is the one we meet the world with. It is our self image. I enlarged that pearl and a feeling of peace ran over me. I met the woman, who actually was my age (a shocker) explained my position after assuring her I understood hers and she let it go. “Thanks,”she said,”I just wanted to understand why you did it that way. SO much has gone wrong in that house. They are newlyweds and I am trying to look out for them and your job was the last straw of imperfection. Now I see what you did and we’ll just move on.”
Since then: I remember reading how our shen classically have a number of souls attributed to them. I think and feel into the Po/lung soul as having the most. It makes perfect sense. The lungs are the only one of the shen organs that interface with the outside world and as such become a fluid mask for all the other expressions from deeper inside. It needs more faces.
How I relate this to my life: It struck me how I have intense inner emotions and fights and talks going on inside and yet due to protective instincts of my past have hidden them from a full expression with others or full communication inside, worried about self image. Emotions run hot under the surface like volcanic magma waiting for an explosion out or more likely implosion in. The Lung souls are waiting around, separated out because of this pattern, ghosts of myself awaiting embodiment and expression in relationship.
My practice last night and this morning: Totally guided to soften into my white pearl souls. My breath feels more connected to my core. Another layer of connection between my selves and a deeper recognition of those beings who I am comprised of that really desire to achieve a new balance in the world out/in there. Barry
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