April 25, 2010 at 5:35 am #34028
After posting the meditation vs drugs posts I woke up grumpy. Exploring that feeling I sensed a part of me was angry with the postings. Not so much the actual content but the tone of it. That part felt: ‘Common woman 10 years later you are still complaining about it, you gained so much from it and all you do is whining.’
I don’t feel that whining inside of myself in day to day life, yet as soon I talk about it outwardly I tend to go into oh poor me.
Exposing it more and exploring it with Chris, I see there is a victim part to it all. The victim that felt not heard, not understood and not supported. It never talked much about it in all these years and now that it does it is exposing itself as a victim.
I understand it wanted to find sympathy and support.
Also the whining part was supporting my fears and kept me from moving onward.
I created a safe status quo. I came this far, a safe haven and I wanted to stay there. I gathered all my thingies in a box. No more adventures for me but a safe place I had control of.
The bigger part of me was thinking I am in fact ungrateful and so it became grumpy with this victim part.
Anyways exploring it, exposing it, even here on the forum, in the open, I got up this morning feeling good.
So… thank you all for ‘listening’ , it helped me greatly to move beyond an old piece that was stuck ….being exposed here now I can openly accept it as a great adventure in unknown territories with some side effects as a learning.
Yesterday after realizing and acknowledging that victim part I have put on my boots, my pressure suit and I emptied out my backpack… :))April 25, 2010 at 10:04 am #34029
30 minutes after posting my first one, the universe offered me a great mirror through a relative new client of mine who struggles with sexual and emotional abuse.
I called her to reschedule an appointment and she asked if she could talk with me on the phone as she felt bad and did not know how to proceed further – since we started to work on her issues the suppressed feelings start to manifest to the surface.
To my surprise the conversation took a turn where she expressed that she felt lousy that after 30 years she was still struggling with the past, like that part was too overwhelming and too big to deal with…
~It was like I was listening to my own inner conversations of the past and very very recent present.
She felt alone and not heard, nobody to really turn to with her story and her feelings as people around her did not seem to care really, did not understand or being oblivious or ignorant. Yet also not being able to communicate about it, a hiding from the world ~ I know that one all too well.
She felt a screaming inside, even like being hysterical but there is no way to direct it. Even real screaming or yelling is not helping to release some of the tensions. She felt that so far all her books, her therapies, doctors and therapists did not unlock that feeling. ~ no maps
How her memories were so vague that she was telling herself that she was making it up, was she fantasizing everything? ~ (I told myself that countless times, that it could not be real, that I made it up, that was one of the major struggles)
But her body clearly remembered yet her memories were forgotten. She too expressed that as a major conflict inside herself.
She blamed herself that she was wondering how much was her own mistake or ‘openness’ that made it happen. ~ as Michael stated being too open
I too have experienced it as an invasion of my Self, it was an invasion in my energybody, and through my energybody into my physical body, my mind and my emotions, I had all the symptoms of an abused victim.
Also because the one in Michaels class was a VERY sexual intrusive experience.
I am chewing a bit more on it…April 25, 2010 at 2:19 pm #34031
I’m glad you’ve felt as safe as you have, to be able to share
what you have. Your personal experiences are enriching and
valuable to read.
If I can respond to some of your recent posts simultaneously . . .
>>>I do have wounds from it though, invasions like that are not without scars.
I can imagine.
Maybe some of the recent discussion can be viewed as
additional healing on that end.
>>>One of it is, that I don’t allow myself anymore to go so
>>>deep into meditations, I keep ‘an eye’ on how deep I sink in.
>>>I build a guardian system that monitors the coming and going
>>>of energies and keeps a strong eye of feeling my center.
>>>Doing so I can stretch out as far AS I WANT, yet I am not
>>>losing the inner ground. But I do understand that there is
>>>fear underneath, and that is my next task to deal with.
Makes sense . . .
In my case, I’ve always felt safe as I go within myself (perhaps if
I had an experience such as yours, I’d feel differently).
Most of my fears have traditionally come from being
worried about how I’m perceived and how I imagine
I’m being judged by others, which ends up sort of being
the opposite–rather than being fearful of someone/something
invading my boundaries, I worry about how I project onto
others . . . makes me want to withdraw (i.e. my hermit nature)
so that I can influence no one . . . a left-over from
some kind of generalized anxiety disorder where you’re
always thinking that other people are thinking that you
are stupid, worthless, etc. At any rate, I digress 🙂
>>>A very important aspect of the acceptance and ‘healing’
>>>of all that is my relationship with Chris (Voice).
>>>I can talk and share with him about it all as it is
>>>talking about the breakfast we will have.
>>>It is part of our life together, it is part of our relationship.
>>>He says it is BECAUSE of it that we found each other.
You are VERY lucky to have found a soulmate who you can
share your internal landscape with, in the bonds of love.
I was not so fortunate. I was in love with someone
(long-term relationship) who I shared some intensely
personal difficult things with (because I was love!) and
rather than being supportive, the person responded with
rejection. That was a very poisonous relationship and
it’s taken YEARS to undo the damage and come home “to me”.
You are VERY lucky.
>>>After posting the meditation vs drugs posts
>>>I woke up grumpy. Exploring that feeling I sensed
>>>a part of me was angry with the postings. Not so much
>>>the actual content but the tone of it. That part felt:
>>>’Common woman 10 years later you are still complaining
>>>about it, you gained so much from it and all you do is whining.’
>>>I don’t feel that whining inside of myself in day to day life,
>>>yet as soon I talk about it outwardly I tend to go into oh poor me.
Some of that may come from the fact that it was a *very*
difficult experience for you, very personally challenging,
and yet a part of you may feel (rightfully so) that “no one
can really understand just how difficult this was for me
and/or no one can really identify with it fully”, part
of you may feel as if you “need to hide” the experience within
and not share it because of this reason and because the
last thing you want is for someone to judge you for it–
experiencing it was hard enough, someone’s inconsiderate
judgement of it could be like poison to something already sore,
and part of you may feel a little shameful for it, as if
you feel there was something you did that was wrong that
created the experience . . . as if you were at fault (even
though that’s NOT the case, because sometimes things just
happen and you can’t be held responsible).
Put all these things together in the preceding paragraph and
it can create the recipe for A LOT of internal frustration.
Thus if you DO share the experience, or least part of it,
it’s only natural that some of that frustration is going
to come leaking out. Even if you’ve come to “terms” with
it “yourself”, you haven’t come to “terms” with it
on a “community level” as ultimately it is a private matter . . .
So it is only natural that any fraction of expression of it
is going to be charged with raw emotion.
In other words, there is no reason to apologize or feel
guilty about the emotion that was expressed. It was
perfectly natural and understandable.
>>>30 minutes after posting my first one, the universe
>>>offered me a great mirror through a relative new client of mine
>>>who struggles with sexual and emotional abuse.
>>>I called her [some clipped]
>>>To my surprise the conversation took a turn where she
>>>expressed that she felt lousy that after 30 years she
>>>was still struggling with the past, like that part was
>>>too overwhelming and too big to deal with…
>>>~It was like I was listening to my own inner conversations
>>>of the past and very very recent present.
It’s sometimes spooky how things link together.
Almost as if: were you helping her or was the universe
guiding her to help you?
Thanks for sharing,
StevenApril 25, 2010 at 11:54 pm #34033
You said that Wendy is the lucky to have me? Uh-uh — I-I-I I am the the lucky one – I am the luckiest man in this big bad world to have been found, accepted and loved by Wendy.
It is very difficult to be one of us strange sensitive, spiritual men, and find a woman who connects with that, and whose true yin polarity raises your dick like a magnet raises iron filings!
ChrisApril 26, 2010 at 12:25 pm #34035
I stand corrected, you’re both lucky. 🙂
Mutual compatibility is such a rare phenomenon in
and by itself, and then to add in a mutual
interest in (Daoist) spiritual cultivation,
you have a truly singular event.
Congrats to you both. ^_^
StevenApril 27, 2010 at 4:09 pm #34037
and thanks for playing along!April 27, 2010 at 6:50 pm #34039
.April 28, 2010 at 12:40 am #34041
Nice to have a love relationship on the board 🙂
By the way where did you to met? On a course with Mickael? From a organixed date after contact on this forum?
I remember Wendy did tell us about her separation from her husband. Quite in detail. Then I remember a comment from someone on this forum that said that someone was flirting with wendy.
Just curious, if it’s private then don’t answer.
SDApril 28, 2010 at 12:42 am #34043April 28, 2010 at 9:49 am #34045
I met her in a pub in the Red Lion Pub within the Avebury Stone Circle (shown below). It was a pre-retreat excursion run by Barry Spendlove, and I had the great luck that Barry put us in the same Bed and Breakfast (though in separate rooms…). I fell in love with her fast. At the retreat in Glastonbury with Michael(my third time with Sun-Moon-Earth alchemy), I managed it that I was sitting beside her. When she would come and sit by me, my body would start glowing “I love you, I love you”.
Although I fell very much for her, she could not “see” me. I was hidden, a ghost of a person because of my family of origin, and then my unhappy marriage. I courted her as a friend at distance for a year, and when she mentioned on this board that she was interested in polyamory, I took the plunge and asked her. She thought that I was joking! But, that did not deter me – my Chinese sign is the ox.
It all would have come to nought, if there wasn’t some intervention. I was sitting outside at home, thinking about Wendy, and realized that while I was open to feeling the energy from her heart, I had not opened my heart to allow her in. When I made that subtle shift but oh-so complex shift, something BIG happened. Beings from the astral plane (like Wendy talked about in a different post) came in and gave me an initiation of sorts by, shall we say, ripping me up and eating me up again and again. I was in love, and so welcomed this, and passed the initiation to her heart. This was not Wendy doing this; she had no idea what happened to me, and I had no idea that this would happen. A couple of weeks after this happened, we met for our second time, and my initiated heart had a huge energetic reaction with hers – for many nights after, while I slept she could not because of the energy.
The special heart connection that we have has allowed us to cultivate and grow our long-distance relationship over the last 2.5 years. We have gone through much turmoil and hard work to clean up problems that we accumulated over our lives, allowing us to become ever-happier together. We feel so lucky that we are so complementary to each other, and that we have such understanding of each other at multiple densities of being. I hope that we have the ability to continue this for the rest of our lives.
ChrisApril 28, 2010 at 1:50 pm #34047
Thanks for your story. Wery sweat. I´m not shore if I understund the subtle shift, but from the rest of what you wright, I have at least some idea, there was actualy somea huge consequences. After all.
What happened with the polyamore, was that not a choise after your heart connection or is it still a possibility in your lifes? Even though married. Or is it completely unintresting.
What about your ideas in the earlier stages, when you was in loved but wanted to be a lover amongst others, was that difficult to accept, or deal with?
Otherwise it is always wery nice to hear about love stories, about a heart meating another heart and they both want to have eachother.
Yes it most be some difficulties having a relationship at distance, even though there is alot of oportunities to communicate this days, it is not the same as feeling eachother and being in eachothers arms.
I which you an interesting and developing relationship and marriage.
SDApril 28, 2010 at 2:30 pm #34049
It reads like a Daoist fairy tale.
What a great story.
If you consider all the little things
that had to coalesce along the way, it
shows how magical that heart connections
Great sharing, and blessings on you both,
StevenApril 28, 2010 at 8:31 pm #34051
The tuning of the heart to that of the other is simple yet complex – being open to feel their heart is listening and so is yin, and allowing them to feel your heart is radiating and so is yang. The opening of my heart to Wendy is different than just saying “here I am! this is what I am like!” but is itself a balanced yin-yang approach – listening for what works for her, and changing the broadcast to that frequency. It is dynamic, and I think that it is like dance (which I can’t do well!) or surfing (which I can’t do either!).
Polyamory provided a bridge for us out of our unhappy marriages. It was very clear to us and our partners very quickly that polyamory was not an option. It is not an option for at least two reasons.
First, neither of us wants anyone being romantic with the other. The depths to which we open ourselves for the other is too all-trusting and all-pure to allow anyone else into that space. Indeed, I have found that even looking at other women de-tunes my heart to Wendy. Since our tuned hearts give us strength and confidence in this world, this makes even looking at other people unsatisfying.
Second, our relationship takes a lot of work. Wendy is, like most women, HIGH MAINTENANCE! But, while some women’s maintenance means cars and jewelry, for us (and I am equally high maintenance as her!) the maintenance is emotional – peering into each other, listening to each other, accompanying each other – that there is just no space for anyone else in this.
But, this isn’t to say that polyamory isn’t a good idea for other people, or that there is even anything wrong with it – it just isn’t something that we are interested in.April 29, 2010 at 8:16 am #34053April 29, 2010 at 2:50 pm #34055
As Chris said polyamory for me was an escape out of an unhappy marriage. I figured it would give me what I could not have in my marriage but keeping the safety of that marriage for the children and the comfort for myself.
I see that many people in long term relationships are opening up to that sort of idea. Keeping what is good and adding something what is missing through other people. Nothing wrong with that when all parties agree with it.
Yet falling in love with Chris gave no space at all to have other relationships nor staying in my marriage. As soon our hearts connected, being back home, I told my husbandthen I wanted a divorce because this was not fair to anyone in the situation. It was not a bit this and a bit of that, it was a 180 degree shift.
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