Reply to Michael and Wendy – BIG question

Thanks so much for your reply Michael and I am finding that what you say is resounding with what I feel. It answers a lot of questions I had and a lot of the feelings that come along with those. Such as “wanting to go home”, a yearning and crying of the heart for that. In the last while I have had to learn to temper that. It is difficult after you have felt unconditional love surrounding you with such warmth and caring one can only dream of. NOt even that. A safeness. That happened 5 years ago. I cried and cried. Since then, becoming aware is a blessing yes, but so difficult because we then feel so much more deeply the emptiness that cannot be filled by anything nor anybody. It cannot. And it is in accepting that, when we truly accept that, then we can work from that center. The veil becoming thinner, I have thought about that and I think you have a great answer in that. The voices, well … I am quite healthy mentally, and I am not schizo, but I could write a book on experiences. And I so much agree that not all voices are friendly. I found that out the hard way. But there are processes out there, different processes for different people. I was quickened, you can read about it in the bible and some other gnostic principles I think. A speeding up process of opening. This particular event was done in a relaxed state. I was told to relax and they were going to quicken me. So… since hten it has been a roller coaster ride. Not knowing if my taiji master was “teaching me” or the ones who quickened me were. I have had so many teachers. Sometimes as with Wendy it just gets all mixed up. Who we re gets lost. So much a danger of that. At a health fair a while ago a Christian man came to me to do a reading. He stood back and looked at me with a very puzzled expression. Felt me again. He said I was a good person but likened my process to a log stripper. You know the machine that takes the bark off of the tree, just rips it off, shreds it. That was what was happening to me. He saw stars and chaos. He did not do alchemy work just was a very connected man who did not understand everything. But he helped me very much. he told me how I was managing, I said I had guides. He told me, well, they haven;t done much for you up to now have they? Get rid of them? I said … how? He told me to just tell them to go. So I thought about it for awhile. And I did tell them to go and I eventually asked for guidance with compassion, grace, wisdom, love, understanding within and without this physical world. Since then I have become more centered and people have come within my life to help me settle.

I agree that we are all looking for identity and I have fluttered in thoughts such as Wendy thinking that people who have identity such as a lightworker or a psychic or healer ….were they true in their capture of knowledge, etc. But you know the thought pattern Wendy has of this being not good, or connected to ego …. I do not agree with. Okay, so, take reality, we accept that people are doctors, lawyers, janitors, ranchers, mothers, etc. So why can’t we accept that we are also a mixture of lightworkers, witches, pagans, healers, devil worshipers. Why is it that when we reach into the energy work to find identity so many are saying it is wrong. Is it? I have a friend and her name is Bev who thinks much as Wendy and who was very much abused in energy work and men, etc., etc.She thinks so globally (and I sometimes have a tendency to do that before I correct it) that there is no grounding found. There is no connection to a label. If we do not have a label with which reality can connect to, how can we be. How can we be centered. How do we know where to work from or within or create boundaries.

I am a lightworker and I was told I was a very damn good one at that, and I am. And I am a healer and a psychic (not that great but working on it). I am also a mother, a lover, an administrative assistant, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a taoist (however I believe in Jesus, one of the greates qigong masters of all time). EAch one of those labels helps me create my boundaries. And I htink to deny ourselves labels that not only work in reality or physical but also help label us in the energetic field is required. I believe in so many htings … gnositcs, christianity, even the pope has a place, I believe in Canada, I believe in health care for all, I believe in sharing, I believe in my sons and daughter and my mom, and my dad, god rest his soul. I believe in my lover. One has to have those things to know where you sit. To know where you work from. Otherwise you reality here starts to wander and filter and gets lost and we become ungrounded. This is the biggest mistake I feel we make, well a lot of us. We get caught on this no ego thing. Well, no ego may work inother places but actually we kind of need ego here, otherwise we would all stay in bed or go to caves and meditate forever. We need a purpose, we need incentive, we need structure, we need faith and hope and love. How do we create those without using at least parts of ego. Ego is just an English word anyways and to me it should be junked with a lot of the other freudian crap. We need to be able to work for ourselves and others with happiness and contentment and fullfillment of needs and desires for ourselves and others (and I am not talking about sex, alhtough it is of course in that equation). We are all one it is true, but we all have different “plans” to fullfill different “missings”. We can not nor should we be melted into one pot for it is in our individuality that we can bear the blessings of our creator. And we should never forget that. It is in getting back to the “I am”. And damn it … I am who I am. And what I believe in. And the serpent lady out there on the Kundalini sight and Moondancer the Shaman and Syvlia Brown the Psychic. They are who they are and they are good or at least they try to be good for what they know, for what they believe in. And that is a good thing. For they are working on their process the best that they can, within their weaknesses and strengths. And it is they that should be applauded for finding the strength and fortitutde to get off the fence and jump into their lives. We will all make mistakes but we will also have many triumphs and blessings and joy along with the tears and sadness.

Michael helped me confirm many htings in his reply and it has helped a lot. For protection of the voices, the stronger I get, the easier it gets. And the strength comes not from meditation, nor exercises but a belief in what I turly believe in. A commitment to me. A faith in myself and a faith in the creator … as one. A strength of self. Oh if you only knew how I have been beaten emotionally and spiritually and mentally. I could write many books. So much, just so much. My sensei told me I was going to kill myself on this journey. Protection is a good way to filter out I suppose, cutting with sword works sometimes too. Love works wonders the most. I know this last week I was faced with much negative energy that seemd to be coming from my kids, but in my heart somehting just did not feel right. And I just get communicating with them and trying to share with them andthen all of a sudden the negativity broke and understanding came to me,….understanding and compassion. And with it a broader view of not just me, but of htem, each one of them and their lives. To experience this was such a blessing. So many times we create such negative illusion and negative energies bombard us all, and to walk thru it all with heart wide open and love pouring forth, ahh so hard sometimes when we feel anger and jealousy and fear. But perseverance, that is what will help us work thru that to the truth. And love.
My taiji master told me that there were many things he did not like about me but what rose above all of that was my perseverance. That, what he said I carry within my heart for it has helped me many times.

Sometimes I just wanted to yell and scream at them all, and be alone and be sad and victim. But I withheld. And like alight thru a tunnel it became brighter and brighter and then it burst open. The illusion was broken.

Exercises help, but love and white light they are strongest. White light and love can open hearts faster than any exercise.

This is what I have learned to use – I filter all thru white light.

And these comments are not to be a big shot, not to be a lightworker, not to be “right”. They are just my feelings. And maybe someone else will find somehting in it for them, if not just press the delte key.

By the way .. I am a lightworker and I am pretty good at it. Not the best, but not bad at all.