June 7, 2012 at 9:17 pm #39342
Been having a messy process lately.
A while back I was walking through a
square in town when I caught the eye
of a young kid at the end. He pointed
at me, yelled “you”, and ran straight
for me. Looking really high, he began
some wild dance around me, but I was
able to step over him and continue on.
Recent events in the news have triggered
some fears in me and I’ve been having a
hard time trusting breathing in my belly.
Memories of an oil painting that my birth
father painted, Saturn eating his children
done in blackish red. Something awful might
of happened to me if my mom hadn’t left him.
But also good memories of lying in my crib
when I was a baby. So happy to be just me,
so comfortable in my crib…a huge feeling
of goodness and trust that I go back to
in my fusion practices.
The other day while doing a long session
of ocean breathing I went really far into
my dantien and noticed that a reptile was
coming in. I went in deeper to see that I
had two snakes inside. One on the left and
one on the right. I asked them was they were
doing but no response. Just cold eyes. I
looked closer and saw that they were striped
with red dots..not friendly. So I started asking
if they were me. No answer but both snakes turned
around and went out thru my legs. My stomach and
liver started gurgling like they were spreading
out to fill the space that was left.
I think the reason why it happened is that I
have not been fully “occupying” my belly.
All I can think to do is just keep doing the
grounding practices and back to more fusion
and absorbing prenatal virtues.
I know it’s a process but it’s hard to trust
when you feel like a straw doll to the life
AdelJune 8, 2012 at 12:16 am #39343
Some random musings on your post:
I suspect that times have been uncertain
and erratic to break down artificial
external constructs that we all use to
maintain our level of trust.
When these break down, the only thing
left is what you have on the inside, and
it points to all the rough areas we have
inside ourselves where internal trust is
In other words, it is likely a necessary
but somewhat unpleasant activity to force
people to go within and expose all those
dark areas that we run from.
A painting of Saturn eating his children, you say?
I find that very interesting since Saturn
is considered “higher Earth”, and Earth energies
are all about being centered in who you are and
being strong in your boundaries. There is nothing
more invasive to a person’s boundaries than being
attacked by a cannibal . . . and even more so, when
you are defenseless as a child. If you really stop
and consider the symbolism here, it is quite striking.
As traumatic as recent news events have been,
every cloud has a silver lining; and if you look hard
enough, I think you’ll be able to find one here.
The thing to be “thankful” here is for the terrible
recent events to help bring to the surface a deep
dark fear that you have likely been carrying all your life.
In other words, any fear you may feel now is
not something new, but is something you’ve had for awhile,
and you’ve only just now become *aware* of it. Or maybe
you were aware of it before, and it is only now that you
are strong enough to be able to face it and heal it.
This latter bit is common theme in doing practices.
Eventually we gain enough internal strength to finally
become ready to face all those difficult things and
dark places we were afraid to explore, and then they
expose themselves at exactly the right time.
This is where the real trust comes in.
The knowing that you are now strong enough within
yourself to address these issues. That is why you
are facing them. Because you are now strong enough.
Feel strong and feel joy in the knowledge
that you are now ready to handle some raw edges.
It is a cause to celebrate within, as your true self
has a wisdom deeper than any exposed fear, and knows
you are now ready.
And that is something you can really trust.
SJune 8, 2012 at 8:00 am #39345
Wow i’ve never had this kind of things happen in my practice. My practice is always simple, without these types of dream like experiences. Like i get old memories from just out of the blue pop up into my head and think ‘golly, that was ages ago, why did that just pop into my head for no reason’ but no snakes or animals or that kind of stuff.
My thought is that it sounds psychadellic, like lsd or something, i’ve had some psychadellic substances and had these sorts of things you’re talking about with them. It’s like mostly out of my control though, like it seems it is to you. Like i can control how i feel about them or if i want to stop thinking about them but then they can keep pressing in like a bad dream or i can try harder to force them out of my head, change the scenery etc. I guess the more you trip the more you can practice controlling it but i only had it a few times.
When you’re doing the meditations aren’t you supposed to be concentrating on the energy, feeling the characteristics of it and such? That should be the only thing you’re concentrating on. If these other things come into your head just go back to the energy.
I haven’t had a very traumatic past as maybe some other people have, but i have still had some problems like everyone else. I think the power of the meditation comes from avoiding problems, and therefore overcomming them (eg, how can you argue with someone who doesn’t argue back, or just changes the subject in a happy way). To me it’s not like you have to front up to your issues and see them through, rather you concentrate on the energy (or awareness or whatever other type of meditation you are doing) and it bypasses any of this suppressed bad experiences. It’s like in tai chi, you don’t block the attack you just swirl around it and smack him in the back. The bad things are neither supressed or confronted. They are just avoided, or as mantak chia says in his books, the energy is ‘recycled’. The root of the problem is the mind, because it is bringing all these bad things into your consciousness. Get rid of the mind and any problems are gone too, only love is left. I mean one could stuff around with counselors and medicines and what not but they only work to some extent. Just cut the cord at the root and be done with all the problems totally. Only let the mind do what you want it to. The mind wants to work it out logically though. But it can’t do it! It is the mind that is creating it’s own problems. You have to jump out of the mind so then bad feelings can be non existant.
Just my experiences…
One last definate piece of advice i know is correct. Don’t waste your time watching the news. It’s inaccurate, and depressing. I never read papers or watch it on tv. Its utter rubbish, and very rarely right. It appears to be right which is why it is so bad for your soul. That and it feeds the mind so that it has something else to worry about.
And healing sounds! I think that is the best practice of them all. I’ve even modified it so that when i move my arms i pull in chi from the universe to pack the associated organ. You can even do it without hand movements but imagine you are using ur hands and still pull in huge amounts of energy. But just general healing sounds work awesome. If i don’t have any time for meditation i’d still do healing sounds on the way to work in the car. That makes problems just dissapear into nothingness 🙂June 8, 2012 at 7:55 pm #39347
Thanks for replying. When putting feelings into writing I guess it does sound
a little whacko:):)
>When you’re doing the meditations aren’t you supposed to be concentrating on the >energy, feeling the characteristics of it and such? That should be the only thing >you’re concentrating on. If these other things come into your head just go back to >the energy.
Actually it didn’t come into my head, it came in thru the ming ming into my
dantien. It took a while for my head to notice it there because I wasn’t fully
occupying my belly.
My personal feel of it was that the snakes were energy in form, that I was
able to see it in form made it easier to communicate with. The fact that there
was no clear reply was still a communication to me. When I first noticed them in
me I was scared but when I was able to really see them and find out if they were
a part of me helped that energy to move. I think the gurgling in my organs was a
sort of transformation that I couldn’t see or understand but it didn’t seem to be
important. I’ve never used psychadellics so I can’t compare but I feel like I don’t
want to be controlling any experience. The most freeing feeling is when I am able
to feel and see them from a central grounded space.
>Get rid of the mind and any problems are gone too, only love is left.
I don’t know that I can or want to get rid of the mind. I am in the process of
fusing the mind, heart, and belly together is how I feel. Love feels better there.
>Don’t waste your time watching the news. It’s inaccurate, and depressing. I never >read papers or watch it on tv. Its utter rubbish, and very rarely right.
Right, I thought about that too. But it seems to me if I have to protect myself from
outside influences I am using so much energy in building and maintaining that guard.
I am trying to transform a self that is able to interact with life without losing my
core or throwing my emotions (not feelings) all over the place. I want to have feelings that are appropriate to the immediate situation but don’t carry over into chronic emotions.
Thanks for your input, it always is helpful to take a step back and look.
AdelJune 8, 2012 at 8:17 pm #39349
Feel strong and feel joy in the knowledge
that you are now ready to handle some raw edges.
It is a cause to celebrate within, as your true self
has a wisdom deeper than any exposed fear, and knows
you are now ready.
That is where I want to go…..able to take in the
outside without being emotionally thrown all over
the place. I feel closer to it, every day closer
than the one before and in the process I am loving
myself more and more…I keep having those body
memories of when I was in a crib coming back. In
those memories I don’t know my name I have no thinking
mind but I have huge feelings of being both one and
separate with everything.
By the way, the Saturn my dad painted was a Roman god
(Greek – Cronus)
the son of earth mother (Gaia) and sky heaven father who
ate his children so they wouldn’t take his power. He later
threw them back up:):)
I need to get to know the Saturn you know.
I am seeing that I have some undigested father feelings
but he did have a lot of problems…ended up disappearing
Thank you for your musings, it helps a lot.
AdelJune 8, 2012 at 10:18 pm #39351
>>>That is where I want to go…..
>>>able to take in the outside without being
>>>emotionally thrown all over the place.
>>>I feel closer to it, every day closer
>>>than the one before and in the process I am loving
>>>myself more and more…
This can happen through continually becoming
more deeply grounded into your core being.
Feelings will always arise, and it is natural
for them to do so; but at the same time, as you
reach new levels of grounding, you can remain
centered in your true self and just bear witness
to it all as a neutral observer. The feelings
are still there; that bit has not changed; but
somehow you can just watch it all from a neutral
point of awareness . . .
It is like you, drop into a level of awareness,
where you “watch” the “you” that is living your life.
This “watcher” is calm, centered, and happy
regardless of the movie that is being seen.
The “watcher” can somehow enjoy all aspects
of the movie, even the bad parts, and recognize
that it is simply the richness of life, while
not losing that calm, centered, and happy feeling.
It is sort of hard to explain; it just has
to be experienced. But I find that through
continually doing grounding practices, you
naturally evolve to such a perspective without
even trying to do so. It happens spontaneously.
There are a lot of people that take the perspective
that the thinking mind is bad, a poison, something
you have to continually disengage from, like
training a dog. But this is the wrong approach.
When you drop into the new level of awareness
I mentioned above, you do not have to escape
the mind any more than you have to escape your
feelings. You can watch it all happening neutrally.
And what I like the best, is that you don’t have
to DO anything to have this happen. It requires
no action on your part. Simply do grounding practices,
especially standing practice, and as the days, weeks,
months, years go on, you spontaneously reposition
yourself into that deeper level of awareness
without even trying. It arises naturally.
StevenJune 8, 2012 at 10:24 pm #39353
>>>I keep having those body
>>>memories of when I was in a crib
>>>coming back. In those memories I don’t know
>>>my name I have no thinking mind but I have
>>>huge feelings of being both one and
>>>separate with everything.
One can argue that part of the goal to spiritual
practices is to alter your perception to one where
you can retain your individuality, while
still feeling completely connected and not
separate from anything else.
>>>By the way, the Saturn my dad painted was a Roman god
>>>(Greek – Cronus) the son of earth mother (Gaia)
>>>and sky heaven father who ate his children
>>>so they wouldn’t take his power. He later
>>>threw them back up:):)
>>>I need to get to know the Saturn you know.
>>>I am seeing that I have some undigested father feelings
>>>but he did have a lot of problems…ended up disappearing
That’s a different image than the one I had. 🙂
Mine was somewhat more bizarre . . . that of the
planet Saturn eating its children (the moons of Saturn). LOL.
I’m not sure which is more disturbing, ha ha.
At any rate, still interesting.
Food for exploration.
StevenJune 9, 2012 at 5:38 am #39355
> I am trying to transform a self that is able to interact with life without losing my
>core or throwing my emotions (not feelings) all over the place. I want to have >feelings that are appropriate to the immediate situation but don’t carry over into >chronic emotions.
I hear what you’re saying here and i think thats a great way to be. I tried doing that but i found it difficult and hard work for me to be able to do that. It’s my character to automatically spin the emotion around more and more till it builds up to an undesired powerful level very quickly. I can’t proceed with a clear mind and do what i really want to do like that. Not without releasing my emotions out to everyone present (like shouting in anger, etc which then has bad consequences later). That relaxes me again but only for a moment until i get bad energy back from others.
If i catch an emotion at the very beginning before it spirals to anything but a tiny muscular tension somewhere in my body and let it go in it’s tracks, i’m already aware of the emotion i’m feeling but i dissapated it quickly while it was small and easy.
>Right, I thought about that too. But it seems to me if I have to protect myself from
>outside influences I am using so much energy in building and maintaining that guard.
Yes i can understand your angle but it’s not how i feel about it. To me prevention is the best method. It takes me no energy now i am in the habit of not listening to the news (or also people complaining at work, something else which can bring me down), but once the emotion gets hold it takes me more effort to stop it becomming a problem.
I don’t enjoy it so i don’t feel like i’m missing out on anything on not reading about the news. Sure it’s less conversations i can join in at work, but if i want to join in i just ask about them about it and they’re happy enough to fill me in. The only thing i listen to in the news now is on the radio station for about 2 minutes, they have an oddspot which i think is entertaining as well as they have one piece of music news which is most often uplifting. It’s the same time every day so i just listen to those 2 minutes of the news on the radio 🙂
In reality, what i do is
1. try to avoid bad thoughts
2. try to stop them as early as possible
3. if it goes on and it’s spiralling out of control as family arguments can, after an hour or 2 i just have a cigarette, it breaks me out of the cycle and i can be calm again. I don’t smoke much but it helps me in this instance or i can go all day dwelling on it and i can feel my energy is just wasting away.
I’m sure there are better ways than what i do but it works well for me so far, until i can improve my meditations further.June 9, 2012 at 5:56 am #39357
>The “watcher” can somehow enjoy all aspects
>of the movie, even the bad parts, and recognize
>that it is simply the richness of life, while
>not losing that calm, centered, and happy feeling.
Yes i know what you mean, but for me, my connection to the watcher gets lost as the emotions spiral out of control. The mind overtakes playing it over and over again and so much energy gets caught up in it even if i can reconnect to the watcher again, which isn’t really too hard to do for a moment, it is lost a moment later when the mind takes over again with so much energy that has been invested in it by the emotions. My mind is not balanced with my watcher connection, it is more powerful, like i think most peoples are, and so the watcher within me is wise to guard against certain thoughts and emotions. Why make it difficult for myself by testing myself in difficult situations (that i don’t enjoy anyway) when avoiding is easier and make me feel happier.
>There are a lot of people that take the perspective
>that the thinking mind is bad, a poison, something
>you have to continually disengage from, like
>training a dog.
I don’t see it like this, i see it more as playing with the mind from that observer of which you spoke. The mind will always be there, and you do want it to be there, but unless you’re always watching it it will do silly things. Things that it has always done, because it has been conditioned that way, its how it naturally runs. If i tie my shoelaces a certain way, every time, then i need that awareness to change my behaviour which is the conditioned way of the mind, to tie my shoelaces in the new way in which “i” really want to. If i don’t watch, the mind takes over and does it the old way.
Hope i shed some light on what i mean…June 9, 2012 at 5:59 am #39359
Steven and Adel, Do you know what your chinese element is? What you naturally are most strongly?
I am wood. I am interested to know yours both because i have a theory 🙂June 9, 2012 at 9:24 am #39361June 9, 2012 at 11:04 am #39363
Smoking is just a chemical means to suppress anger.
They have done studies that show that nicotine
reduces the natural anger response. The way they showed
this was through double-blind studies where they
had people wear a nicotine patch and then create
scenarios where a normal person would feel stress-induced
anger. One such example would be to have them do
a requested computer task, and after a period of time,
have the thing crash or frustrate them in some way.
Heart rate, etc., and other diagnostic measures like
brain wave scans etc. were done to determine level
of anger. Some people were wearing patches with
no nicotine (control group) and some with. In all cases,
those wearing the nicotine had less of an anger response.
To eliminate from the study the possibility that
this was merely due to the lack of withdrawal symptoms
arising, all participants in the study were never-smokers,
so that the lack of anger could not be attributed to
simply the abatement of withdrawal symptoms (smoking
not allowed during the testing).
When people quit smoking–other than cravings–what is
usually present in all such people? People tend to
be angry, irritable, prone to blow up for no reason,
generally miserable to be around.
It is my personal belief that this is simply all the
suppressed anger that has been stored in the body over
the years through smoking, finally having the opportunity
to begin to be released.
I also remember reading that, on an energetic level,
cancer is caused by suppressed anger. Suppressed anger
building to a level to which the liver can no longer
function properly to detoxify the body, and then cancer
arises . . . almost as if it is the suppressed anger taking form.
It is my speculation that this is the cause of cancer
in long-term smokers. Over the years of suppressing
anger through smoking, the suppressed anger eventually
reaches critical mass and eventually creates cancer,
typically starting in the organ that has weakened the
most (namely the lungs)– even though energetically it
is the liver. Typically cancer will show up in the liver
in the late stages of the disease, even if it first
This post is not some kind of “health message” to get
you to quit smoking, or some kind of judgment.
It is just something to think about.
I used to be a smoker, so I know how difficult it is
to quit . . . how appealing the “feel-good” chemicals
are, and how uncomfortable it can be when you want to
smoke and are in a situation where you can’t. I know
that all quite well.
I also know that I equally well felt more calm and
when I was feeling really angry that it made
the anger go away. In fact, I would have to say that
there were many times when I would make “attempts” to
quit where I would subconsciously put myself into
situations that would get me angry, so that I would
have an excuse to smoke and sabotage the quit attempt.
“If only such-and-so person hadn’t done XYZ to piss
me off, then I would’ve been able to quit. Bastard.”
All the while subconsciously “glad” they pissed me
off, because I really didn’t “want” to quit.
So I’ve been there, and done that.
But the point of this post isn’t really so much
a commentary on smoking as it is the whole approach
of avoidance and suppression.
You say your tactics are:
1. avoid bad thoughts
2. stop bad thoughts when they occur
3. diffuse anger through smoking
All three of these tactics are avoidance and suppression.
You haven’t actually solved anything, in my opinion.
Do you feel you want to have to avoid things to
avoid having negative thoughts and emotions arise?
Do you want to live life that way?
Or would you prefer to be able to live in the world
without having to hide from various aspects of it?
Smoking is anger suppression, and avoidance is really
just another form of suppression . . . it is pretending
that a problem isn’t there by not acknowledging it.
All this stuff accumulates.
I will say this, having given up smoking.
After you give it up, and are away from it for awhile
and you have diffused a lot of the repressed anger,
you will find that you tend not to be as much of a slave
to emotions. Smoking suppressed them, especially anger,
so when you experience them you as a smoker, you experience
them stronger than if you haven’t been a smoker.
In other words, smoking creates the very problem
that it seems to fix.
The same can be said of all avoidance and suppression.
It creates the very problem that it appears to solve.
So it becomes a never-ending process . . .
You can spend a lifetime doing this very thing, and
you get quite good at it, but having been down that road
before I can say that it is the road to nowhere.
In my view . . .
StevenJune 9, 2012 at 11:32 am #39365
>>>Yes i know what you mean, but for me, my connection to the
>>>watcher gets lost as the emotions spiral out of control.
>>>The mind overtakes playing it over and over again
>>>and so much energy gets caught up in it even if i
>>>can reconnect to the watcher again, which isn’t really
>>>too hard to do for a moment, it is lost a moment later
>>>when the mind takes over again with so much energy that
>>>has been invested in it by the emotions. My mind is not
>>>balanced with my watcher connection, it is more powerful,
>>>like i think most peoples are, and so the watcher within me
>>>is wise to guard against certain thoughts and emotions.
>>>Why make it difficult for myself by testing myself
>>>in difficult situations (that i don’t enjoy anyway)
>>>when avoiding is easier and make me feel happier.
But this was my point.
This problem corrects itself when you reach deeper
levels of grounding. You *will* naturally remain
in watcher mode. Your mind will be just as active
as it is now, but you will also be able to remain
neutral at the same time.
I.E. Your mind will still go on and on like it does now,
but you will be able to maintain a distinct and separate
level of awareness CONCURRENTLY.
And the point to my post is that you will shift into
this over time *naturally*. It requires no effort
on your part, and your being just shifts into this
through some innate true self wisdom.
The best analogy I can come up with is this:
Say you are in a room that is completely dark.
You walk around and stumble into furniture, smashing
your shins and causing pain. Through practice, over
time, you can get really good at avoiding the furniture.
Because the room is really big, you will still stumble
into a piece from time to time, and feel the pain of
smashing your shins, but you get better at avoiding
the furniture . . . more so than someone that is new to the
room anyway. BUT rather than adopting this approach,
would it not simply be better to turn the light on?
Once the room is illuminated, you no longer stumble
into the furniture and smash your shins. You no longer
view the furniture as stuff to be avoided. It is
part of the landscape, but also completely irrelevant
in the sense that you are not negatively affected by it.
This is what I’m describing.
It is true that someone who has the light on will
typically have more peace and not run into furniture so much.
But one should not mistake the symptoms of having the light on,
namely the avoidance of running into furniture, as the
path unto itself. Trying to mimic the person with the
light on by trying to avoid the furniture is not the same
as just turning on the light. The person with the light on
does not need to try to avoid the furniture.
There is nothing to avoid.
SJune 9, 2012 at 11:33 am #39367
But I think it would be more fun
if you revealed your theory before I say.
SJune 9, 2012 at 8:27 pm #39369
Ok i understand what you’re saying. But… i feel there sound be some balance and i think the analogy you use is not 100% right.
I think that this universal love is that nomatter what happens to your body, it is not ‘you’ and therefore you are not attached to it so much. Therefore if your walking in the dark room when you bang your shin or you walk in the clear, in both ways you just feel love. You ‘like’ the pain as such, thats how the suffering ends. I’ve managed my own pain with wisdom teeth removal by changing my perception of the pain and it wasn’t a bad feeling any more. It was just there neither good or bad.
This is why i don’t think qigong is directly trying to achieve the universal awareness or the ‘waking up’ because it focuses on your health. It comes close but i think it’s better. Your body is your most valuable possession so you should take care of it. Not give up everything so it is easy to live. I think you can use the awareness to choose the course of your life, not just float along and be comfortable in watcher mode. I want to be active in achieving, my body is my divine connection to the physical plane. I can do divine action but while my body is fit i can also do physical.
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