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Personaly I dont think this dumping bad energy game is solely played by males… I’ve noticed that men do their dumping in a different way to women.
I’m completely over-generalising, but for this debate I think it may be usefull. It seems that women tend to dump their crap much more transparently – they much rather talk and explain, require compliments, cry, cuddle up to feel better etc. Men seem to hold on to their shit, trying not to let anyone else notice that it’s there (never works btw lol)… at some point they have to let it all out, and some men let it out during sex (and the sexual energy multiplies the negativity!)… some men shout a lot, maybe even get violent, some others eat some drink etc…
Michael’s article on sexuality got me thinking about another aspect of relationships… We all (most of us anyway) have some mental/emotional/physical/energetic patterns that we robotically execute daily. These are the patterns that some call the ‘ego’, they’re unconcious and keep us trapped, repeating the same games over and over untill we die or have a moment of awakening… These patterns seem like the most important thing to ppl, and changing them will seem outragously difficult, and somwhat scary. Once you have an enlightening experience, you may notice that these patterns are just a layer of conditioned reflexes collected over a lifetime and actually hide our true selves.
Some people’s relationships create an environment for change and the interaction, over time, helps both parties to peel away the layers of conditioning to let your inner/true self shine. However most relationships tend to reinforce these patterns, and people actually go in search of a partner that would be compatible with their patterns… When you are in such a relationship you start to feel ‘comfortable’ – your interactions become little emotional games, constantly exchanging emotional favors to feed the ego.
Currently, for me, the perfect relationship would challenge me, push out my comfort boundries, and have me feeling confused and perhaps vulnerable… and it is very important that my partner is challenged in the same way. This may sound like a nightmare to some people, and it probably would be (lol)… but this kind of relationship creates the right conditions to start peeling away the layers of your ego(patterns). This way, instead of trading emtional energy (sometimes nasty emotions, sometimes good), you start to learn about your emotions and the conditioned reflexes that control them…
That is a really cool way to look at it! See each other as a rung on a latter, a latter or stairway to heaven! ahah! genius!
We have this challenge with everyone around but in a relationship it goes even deeper, even more challenge. That is very true. I saw/see ‘problems’ with others as a mirror and use them to reflect to myself. Often a very painful habit but one that gives result.
At the moment I have one with my mother. I can see how she in her marriage has been – allowed herself to be – a trash can, and she loaded soooo much anger and frustration, which she now, is dumping back. The tone of her voice can be so hard, bitter, her words so cruel. I see as well that she suffers. And how she manipulates the people around. She wants approval, appreciation but instead she is harvesting repulsion. Frankly she is becoming ‘a monster’ so full with bitterness. She is really ugly, not because of old age but because of the emotions living through her and forcing themselves into the outer world.
As a child I took her ‘at that time hidden’ anger and frustration of a bitter marriage. It took me many years to recover from that, my pattern got me into a marriage where I took for many years myself. And read well, because of the lacks created by my own suffering, I needed and wanted appreciation and attention. But awakening slowly I realised I had to stop taking in the garbage, and slowly I realised I had to stop wanting as well. But I noticed the pattern of my mother, replayed in me, which was pretty freeking to see. That is when my marriage got freeky as well because I wanted to change that pattern. Nearly divorced but we changed pathway as said before.
This friction with my mother is like a circle, back to the very beginning of life. I am angry towards her because of her anger she puts on others. On new years day she played it so rough I became angry myself because she tried to manipulate me and my brother. Even my father was shocked to see so much fire in my eyes – I nearly never become angry. But I don’t allow this play any longer. If she wants to dump, fine, but no any longer in my lap, in my heart. She gets my anger, replying on her own anger. And I can see my own hidden anger I never brought forward in all these years I took and took her garbage. We are like two vulcano’s bursting out what we have hold back too long. Difference: I practice, she doesn’t. My erruption is cooled down quickly, hers is still a giant one, errupting every single piece of shit she gathered in her life time.
And yes Mat, my self respect is THE reason why I don’t allow her dumping any longer, but I am 40 now, so it took my a long time to get there.
When I see my daughters strong reactions on their fathers bullshit, I am very pleased. At least they react on the spot, not holding back. But again I see my oldest daughter having the same pattern, as my grandmother, mother, me and her, at least I can help her to see this pattern but… the chain is not broken yet.I shouldn’t really reply to such an ambiguous, and apparentley obnoxious remark, but just in case you didn’t get the point Wendy and I were agreeing apon:
The size of the heart and it’s being open and honest is paramount to male/female merging. Penis size, big or small, in this regard, is not the issue we were discussing.Wellllll, let me see. I put an octaeder stashed with programmed salt in the house to enhance the ‘good’ vibes. Supposed to create 13 pyramids above and below the house (in total). Two daughters still sleep next to us, we all feel fine with that. It brings us closer, more like camping together. Third daughter is still happy in her room.
A friend with her daughter who had no place to live, is sleeping in THE room. I discussed this with her, she knew about the room. She is a wooden dragon, born Congolese black strong woman, she didn’t mind to ‘take over’ the room… At first she felt things passing, as I respect her privacy I don’t enter the room any longer. But she says she is fine with it. She is protecting her room with a mirror pyramid, powerfull one. Her 13year old daughter is sleeping in the little room, but she is strong minded, and strong willed as her mother, so no bothering at the moment. Everybody seems ok with this situation, ghosts and humans….Few days ago my friend had a vision where she was told that she had to find out about the church, nasty things happened/happening.
So seems the church is again the source. I hate to go in there. Will see, story is not ended but we live in peace at the moment ….It is quite remarkable, my partner lives with 6 women in the house at this point. Plus all the women who pass by in this house taking classes. We often made jokes that he, without any doubt has something to dissolve with women. If I look at his pattern with his mother and grandmother, no doubt that he is challenged to the extreme. That is why I support him in every way. However that support can be kicking his ass or facing him the hard way. His pattern is really hard. I never met a stronger willed woman like my mother-in-law. She crunched him badly with her ‘doings’. So he started to hate women as result, that is why he dumped so much anger/frustration in my lap to start with. But the love between us is stronger so far, and after years he became open minded enough to realise, what is happening between him and his mother, resulting in revenge to women, me in particular and his daughters secondly. In the first years of our relationship, he often had very bad dreams about slaughtering me. Being so sensitive I picked it up while sleeping, you can imagine what kind of energy it created. A relationship is HARD work.
If some tell me women are ‘spiritual’ lazy… get a relationship guys and we talk again in 24 years… No offense because we all have our unique ways of changing and enhancing. But don’t judge too fast about who is lazy. Spirituality is not only about sitting and meditating but every second of this life is a spiritual act of the love for life and the attempt to improve, enhance and change oneself and with some chance the other…as the very best offer to the living being called LIFE . If we lack doing that, THAT is laziness.
Nice sundayInteresting.
Particularly interesting the story of your husband. I too had a strong imbalanced mother, who only reached balance this last decade, thanks to vipassana. 3 years ago I had my latest important relationship and … hear hear, I was being hunted by images of me killing my companion. I can see how hard was for your husband to have such dreams. Having the images during daytime was no piece of cake, either. The other main difference was that in that contest I was the one asking to sleep alone, and she the one protesting. But practicalities prevented it: the house was too small, it was a north Europe winter and only one room could be heated. I remember waking up with 7 degrees C. inside the house. Day by day the tension kept on growing and growing. One morning we woke up, looked into each other eyes and knew that we had to part. I went back to Rome that very day: it was the 25th of December, and I was alone in the train. We kept in touch, and one month later, through the phone, we decided, to leave each other.
Reading your story made me think if there could have been other possible outcomes to mine. I took the images as a signal from my unconscious that the relationship was somehow heavily imbalanced.
Maybe renting another room just for myself could have given me the space to work out my needs and solve my imbalances. I had a couple of light relationships from that moment, but none who had the cards to create something (with women married or otherwise engaged). The energetic sensation that I am living is that there is something that ought to be resolved, before I am going to have a serious relationship again. Not that I don’t desire it, though.BtW, What’s all this writing about spiritual lazyness? Had someone stepped on your favorite toe?
After the first years of our relationship were everything looked more or less ok on the surface, I became very restless, looking for a way out of this situation. He was too occupied with his job/earning money for his family and his pride, satisfying his lack of self confidence, to notice something was very wrong. Thats how I ended up with tao practice, btw my partner doesn’t practice anything, became more open to it through the years of my change. And today is fully dedicated to change in his own way.
It was my escape route, I took classes as far as possible from home, these retreats were my time off to charge myself again for the next year to come, to be strong enough to deal with this situation. Although it gave me new things to chew on as well, related to my personal issues. So digging in myself, and digging in the relationship, having three children, it was pretty tough.
Why we never divorced? I truelly love my partner, and I can see his inner beauty and wish and try with all I have that he comes to the point were he is able to love himself. And he changed rapidly this last year, still holding on to some deep stuff but improved. I see how the mask of pain is changing slowly. People notice, women and men start to be attracted to him because of this. So I have to look out 😉
The point were we nearly divorced, we decided we couldn’t hurt the children. We never had fights nor severe discussions, so for the children it would be a major shock. The pain we were heading to cause was the reason we kept on going. And then he made a major shift, a click in his head, and everything changed since and is still improving because he noticed he can make a difference by just changing his ideas of how the world SHOULD BE, instead of accepting the fact that the world IS and be grateful to it.
Btw because of his self hate, he has/had a drinking problem on top, trying to escape from the inner pain he hoped drinking could soften it.
You can imagine that picture…Yes Max and Plato stepped on my big toe, and as an elephant I remember everything. But they are not entirely wrong about it, yet it is way too simple to just generalize it.
And Pietro I think we met years ago in Wengen.
Thanks for your story. I heard many stories where remaining together “for the children” ended up not being the best decision. Yours nicely balances them.
> Yes Max and Plato stepped on my big toe, and as an elephant …
Yes, Max and Plato can sometime have such light touch. But they are always acting straight from their heart, so, when they harm, are easy to forgive.
> And Pietro I think we met years ago in Wengen.
How nice, tell me more, when was it? During what course?
I know them both very well, they are like rough diamonds, and like rough diamonds they need some polishing. But their shimmering is there without any doubt. I hope I can witness their full glow in future. I forgive easily, but I remember well. I made this little remark as a joke to Max in particular because we discussed this privately in the past by email.
What I do not remember well are dates. I can’t remember when we met exactly. But my guess a lesser kan and li with Michael about 5 years ago, maybe more. Look at http://www.wendyscheers.com maybe you recognize my face. The English version is not well documented. Click on coach in the Dutch version, could be there is a bit more to see.
Hi Wendy,
This trashcan metaphor has stayed with me for a few days because, yes, that had been going on with how I had been with my wife. The metaphor made it so clear — my sperm palace needs to be cleaned and redecorated!
Chris
Of course I remember you now. The pic was fundamental. The tough women!
Nice to meet you here again, then.
I am truelly happy you are so honest towards yourself. When men get this, the energetic shift can be tremendous. When my partner finally accepted this aspect after all those years, I could make a shift myself because I had no reason any longer to protect myself. I could lower the wall I had created.
Your wife will love you even more, explain to her the mechanism and your respect towards to her.Wendy
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