November 7, 2007 at 5:40 pm #25683
WHY WOMEN MUST LEARN TO SAY YES IN THE BEDROOM, SAYS LEADING FEMALE
By Dr. Pam Spurr
November 5, 2007
When the feminists of the Sixties and Seventies started protesting loudly
about disparities in the treatment of men and women in areas such as
equality at work and educational opportunities, they also quite rightly
urged women to reclaim their bodies for themselves.
For too long, they said, women had been discouraged from understanding their
own desires while pandering to men’s sexual needs. Their battle cry was:
“It’s your body — you should do what you want with it!”
For the first time, women were speaking about taking charge of their
sexuality and sexual relationships. Women also suddenly had access to better
methods of birth control because the Pill freed them from the fear of
unwanted children, and allowed them to postpone motherhood until it suited
Previous generations of women had quite literally laid down their bodies
because it was widely felt that a man should be able to have sex with his
wife whenever he wanted. You were about as likely to find a magazine article
on how women could enhance their sexual pleasure as you were to see a female
in 10 Downing Street.
It certainly wasn’t regarded as being a woman’s prerogative in the first six
decades of the 20th century to insist on sexual satisfaction from her
husband. In fact, such a woman might well have been chastised for even
thinking about such fulfilment.
But feminism was the catalyst for sweeping changes in the sexual landscape
as other social factors came to influence the way women thought about their
Music idols such as Debbie Harry of Blondie and Madonna paraded their
sexuality on the stage. Films such as Dirty Dancing, Nine-To-Five and When
Harry Met Sally showed women discovering their strengths and becoming
Scores of women’s magazines such as Cosmopolitan contained a wealth of
articles ranging from advice about salaries to how to demand sexual
So what is the result of this sexual revolution, which seems to have
convinced millions of women that “good enough” in the bedroom is no longer,
well, good enough?
In my work as a life coach, agony aunt and psychologist, I regularly
encounter women in their late 20s, 30s and 40s – the inheritors of the
feminist revolution – with bitter regrets over relationships that have
failed on one pivotal issue: the issue of sexual compromise.
And professionals such as myself are being forced to realise that feminism,
with all the wonderful things it did for women, went too far with the “I
will only do as I please” attitude to sex it engendered.
It has produced a generation of women who simply refuse to compromise over
sexual matters with their partners. As a result, they have ruined their
Jennifer, 38, the director of a marketing company in fashion, is an
excellent case in point. She arrived at a life-coaching session I was
giving, seeking to improve communication skills with her increasing number
She’s a woman who appears to have it all. No man bosses her around because
she’s her own boss. She earns a six-figure salary, has the luxury-holidays
lifestyle along with a supportive and close-knit group of equally successful
female friends. But did she also have a happy marriage?
I thought my meeting with her would be a straightforward session about
management and communication, but my instincts quickly told me – when she
“inadvertently” admitted that her husband had had an affair – that more
important things were on Jennifer’s mind.
She confessed that during the three years before he had strayed, they’d had
virtually no sex – on average once every six months. Because she had thrown
herself into establishing her company, Jennifer had been working terribly
hard and had shown little interest in sex.
This led to arguments, she told me, during which her husband, a property
developer, protested strongly that it left him feeling cold-shouldered. It
never occurred to Jennifer — or the countless other women I have dealt with
on this exact same issue — that eventually he’d look elsewhere.
Don’t misunderstand me. I never encourage or excuse infidelity. But when you
hear story after story of men feeling sexually neglected by women who find
it perfectly natural to put their own interests before their husband’s —
and not for a good reason such as a medical issue or a traumatic event like
a bereavement — I can’t help but feel that some men have little choice, bar
ending the relationship. After all, the human sex drive is a powerful thing,
and requires careful care and consideration between two people.
Jennifer and her husband failed to repair the damage to their relationship,
and many months down the line she was suffering bitter regret over their
Sarah, 39, a solicitor from Surrey, fared a little better. She didn’t avoid
the emotional pain Jennifer had suffered, but she did avoid divorce when her
husband asked her for a trial separation.
After he dropped that bombshell, Sarah was forced to re-evaluate the way
she’d been treating the sexual side of their relationship. Having had two
children, she’d switched off having sex as though she was turning off a tap.
Her view of what made a contented home life was enjoying her children after
a moderately long working day. At that point, sex simply wasn’t on the radar
Sarah had been shrugging off her husband’s advances with no thought towards
his feelings. As her husband, an accountant, wasn’t the type to make a fuss
as Jennifer’s did, Sarah had made the dangerous assumption that all was well
in their world, and that their marriage was ticking over the way she liked
What she hadn’t bargained for was the fact that their virtually sexless
marriage had made her husband feel emasculated and unloved. He’d often made
advances prefaced by candlelit dinners. Sarah enjoyed the meals, but
preferred to do some of her casework afterwards.
In measured tones, he’d often asked if there was anything that he could do
differently to reignite her sexual interest? But she’d pooh-poohed the very
thought, as the cut and thrust of her legal work was more exciting.
In the end, he didn’t seek out an affair, but he was seeking a separation;
quietly sick of being refused the warmth and intimacy they’d once enjoyed.
Once she was over the shock of his suggestion, Sarah came to realise that
what she’d seen as a cosy little world had excluded him as an equal partner.
With a good deal of effort on her part, and goodwill on his, they managed to
work through their difficulties and re-establish a sex life that both were
happy with. But it could have been very different.
Over the past two decades, I’ve noticed how much the issues women raise with
me in terms of their sex lives have changed. When I was in my teens, what
was on everyone’s mind was simply experimenting with sex. Women began to
feel a real sense of freedom about harnessing the pleasures their bodies
could provide them with.
The message of feminism at that time was that women no longer had to be
frightened of having sex on their terms. And as sexual matters have become
much more open for discussion, there has been a sea-change when it comes to
women asking their partner to satisfy them. Women are far more likely to
seize the sexual moment and have one-night stands, shortlived flings, and
sexually experiment the way a woman of 40 or 50 years ago never would.
Over the past couple of decades, women are also more likely to have had far
more sexual partners, whereas their mothers and certainly their grandmothers
may have had only one partner and presumed that what they shared was all
there was to sex.
Unfortunately, alongside this growing knowledge of what was satisfying for
an individual woman — and what wasn’t — was a feminist-inspired
selfishness in relationships when it came to sex.
In researching my new book I’ve come to this conclusion: what’s been
forgotten is that such selfishness and other feelings of empowerment, which
have served women well in the boardroom, don’t necessarily translate to the
One divorcee I encountered, Elizabeth, 44, a high-flying advertising
executive, had carved out a successful career from saying “No” at work to
bad ideas and pushy colleagues, and setting firm limits on what others could
and should do. The problem was that she instinctively translated that
hardheaded-attitude and applied it to her own sexual relationship.
She loved her long-term boyfriend, but said his lack of foreplay skills was
killing off her sexual interest. As far as Elizabeth was concerned, she’d
every right to say “No” to sex. He was hurt and angry every time he was
rebuffed. An invisible wall grew between them until he suggested breaking
Only after much soul-searching did Elizabeth acknowledge that her blanket
ban on sex was destroying their relationship. Brought to the brink, she
realised that actually encouraging sensual skills in him was a better
Of course, I meet people with all sorts of relationship problems, but when
sex is at the heart of it I’ve met literally hundreds of “Sarahs”,
“Jennifers” and “Elizabeths”. They’ve lacked interest in sex for a variety
of reasons, and expected to set the ground rules with no negotiation. The
consequences? Troubled or broken relationships.
Some have decided it’s worth learning to compromise over sex, while others
have steadfastly refused to budge. All have experienced some unhappiness, be
it dealing with arguments or discovering affairs, or facing a break-up they
didn’t want. But the consequences have definitely been worse for those who
fail to compromise.
Just as you may hate being the person responsible for remembering every one
of his relations’ birthdays as well as your own, he may hate being the one
who has to take garden waste to the tip. But such things are all part and
parcel of ensuring a relationship works.
You may think it’s a terrible comparison to make between chores and sex. But
I believe that sex should be seen as a duty because it is one of the most
fundamental ways in which you can make your partner feel better.
What it all boils down to is that just as you’d expect to have discussions
over how to spend any spare cash, where to holiday, and whose parents to
spend Christmas with, so, too, do you need to discuss your sexual desires
That’s what’s empowering. It’s actually not empowering when a woman simply
says: “No, my body is mine and I’ll never meet you halfway.” Because
ultimately it may destroy her relationship.
No doubt women of all ages will have strong reactions to what I’m saying,
but it’s interesting for me to speak to people from older generations about
this issue. Without compromising all the wonderful freedoms women now enjoy,
not least equality in the workplace, we can still learn something from our
Rather than taking a “me, me, me” attitude to life as soon as you step into
a relationship, it should be a “we, we, we” attitude, which gives equal
weight to both partners’ needs. Sometimes that means making love to your
partner even when you’re not in the mood. But you do so because you know
it’ll make the person you love happy.
Obviously I’m against any excessive pressure from a man for you to have sex
when it’s not desired. But rejecting him time and again simply because you
can is almost guaranteed to lead to disaster.
Did those feminists who made so many marvellous strides for womanhood
realise what road they were urging women to travel down when they urged the
sisterhood to take control of their sex lives? It’s a credo I believe has
left many women with failed relationships, many with regrets and bitterness.
You may not want to have sex, just as you may not want to visit his parents,
but you must tend to every aspect of your relationship if you wish it to
Dr Pam Spurr’s new book, “Fabulous Foreplay – The Sex Doctor’s Guide To
Teasing And Pleasing Your Lover” (J.R. Books, £7.99), is out now.
…………November 8, 2007 at 7:00 am #25684
1. This is only true for a very particular group of women who have managed and had chances to manifest themselves. It is not what 80% of the females on this planet are dealing with till today.
2. Blaming the feminists that they have taken women into a wrong road is too easy. What they did was necessary and it is up to women now to balance it back in the middle. No blaming, but taking your own responsability, taking it to the next level without shooting those who worked hard to set us more free. Honor them, no blame.
3. Crucial in any healthy sexual relationship is to understand your own needs and find out who is this ‘me’. Once you have a fair grip on who you are, working through emotional issues and have a stand on your two feet, than you can balance back and can meet your partner half way.
Meanwhile Love is the glue, creating patience and space for the other to come to terms with that “me”, both for men and women.
4. I totally agree that most Western liberated women are stuck in the ‘me, myself and I’ manifesting attitude. And it was only when I learned for myself to understand this I could balance back and could come to a compromise situation where I could feel comfortable.
Saying I do this for you because I know you need it now, without me having a true need for sex. In the mutual understanding that none of the partners subordinate but because I feel I want this to do for you, out of respect and love.
That has a very different flavor and tone to it.
And makes sexual relationships respectful and honest.November 8, 2007 at 8:44 am #25686
… I thought this forum was for spiritual pracitioners, and that the training included some understanding of love and sex. What has an idiot like this woman got to teach anyone with some real development, and why is the article in the ‘practice’ section of all places?November 8, 2007 at 8:56 am #25688
To open up ‘discussion’
For those less ‘developed’ giving food for thoughts
Or to keep in touch what is out there in the ‘normal’ world vs your own ‘developed’ world
Or to give you something to read because you are bored
And Jason in a relationship this is absolutely ‘practice’ … every dayNovember 8, 2007 at 11:08 am #25690
… IMHO anyone who thinks this Cosmo angle on ‘sex is a duty’ constitutes getting in touch with normal reality should think again. But then you said so yourself. Please discuss it if you want! But it has nothing whatsoever to do with spiritual practice, which is the subject matter that interests me. jNovember 8, 2007 at 11:25 am #25692
It is an open invitation to express how YOU feel in relation to women who are having this ‘attitude’ and many Western women have that attitude….
Why do you think so many Western men like Eastern women?
Because they are less occupied with themselves, ha, at least on the surface.
But maybe you are a very lucky man, having a fullfilling happy relationship with an equal feeling partner, no sex stress, no emasculating feelings when your partner is struggling with deep issues of distrust, abandoning, abuse, ….
BUT I do had to laugh on her saying ‘sex is a duty’ … she is not understanding the whole picture yet, she has a feel somewhere somehow but lacks the spiritual dimension.
So here we are Jason, to fill in the gaps.
But hey I was no longer on this board…November 8, 2007 at 11:50 am #25694
… welcome back!
I have no opinion on the things you speak of; the ‘gaps’ will have to be filled in by someone else.
Spirituality is not ‘no bad feelings’, it is *dealing* with bad feelings through genuine love, genuine sex (as preferred), and genuine sacredness, and gradually transforming them into positivity. It is real living from who one really is. It works; nothing else does IMHO; so there is no more to say.
I’m very well aware that not everyone does this, I see the results of their self-neglect all too clearly, sometimes I even have the chance to heal them as you know you do as well. Ultimately it is best of all if people find ways to heal themselves; this site teaches some; that woman doesn’t. Even if she could find the surface she couldn’t scratch it. She doesn’t merely border on miserable ignorance she crosses the border and dwells therein.
I have every sympathy for those who waste and ignore their lives, their selves, and everyone around, and then suddenly wake up to the fact that they have forgotten everything important – at least it’s better than never waking up. (Most of them go right back to sleep though.) Their emotional health is a matter of concern to me, and the better I go, the more I can help them go. But if they have not found the least thing of importance about themselves, I don’t listen even for a second to their views about ‘how to live’ and ‘how to love’. It would be a waste of my time. I don’t care about ‘western women’, ‘eastern women’ and other such marketing terms, I care about people; but people must learn to care about themselves and about each other. I would rather read about these things. :)j
PS And yes I am a ‘lucky man’, but it’s not a question of luck as you know perfectly well.November 8, 2007 at 3:55 pm #25696
Welcome back Wendy . . .
Anyone who thinks that “sex is a duty” doesn’t get it.
The real issue is that if you are in a relationship,
you should put the relationship first. If you are
not willing to put the relationship first, then you
have no business being in a relationship!
A person so in to themselves that they are not willing
to value the other person feelings, is a person that
should be single. A person can be single and
have friends and even people that they love.
A relationship however represents more of a commitment.
It is no requirement that two people be in an
exclusive relationship *even* if they are in love!
However if they are, there should be a mutual understanding
that the relationship comes first, and the emotional and sexual
needs of both parties need to be met. If no
such mutual understanding can be reached, then the
two people should separate–even if they still love
The core issue here is that withholding sex from a partner
isn’t about the sex. It’s about not valuing the
relationship and not valuing the other person’s feelings.
Having sex out of a sense of duty is not valuing the
relationship and is not a solution.
SteveNovember 8, 2007 at 10:18 pm #25698
***What has an idiot like this woman got to teach anyone with some real development, and why is the article in the ‘practice’ section of all places?***
Hey man…”qi police pull over”.
Don’t you think the above statement is a little harsh? If you read her 583 previous post I think you would otherwise believe that shes an idiot. I found her post and insight from a ccompletely different viewpoint to be valuable, and miss her no B. S, approach to answers. Its to bad she’s no longer here to commentand post she was a valuable poster hear imho.
She has what most people dont have these days “Honesty” tells you how she feels without all the smoke and mirrors. Love her our hate her I think calling anyone an idiot on this board is “out of line”.
SLNovember 8, 2007 at 10:49 pm #25700
type of Hindu religious book, 1799, from Skt. tantram, lit. “loom, warp,” hence “groundwork, system, doctrine,” from tan “to stretch, extend,” from PIE base *ten- “to stretch, extend” (see tenet). Hence, tantric (1905), used loosely in the West to denote erotic spiritualism.
Tantra (Sanskrit: तन्त्र “weave” denoting continuity
I think Aleister Crowley is well known for saying a woman should submit sexually to a man.. as to what this meant is contextual, same as this article..
not that anyone cares, but personal thought is that it’s chemistry.. poles..
-1 0 1 twisting around in new combinations
but people’s poles are all screwed up… i personally think there are chemicals analogs to estrogen in the post industrial water supply turning men into women same as frog populations.. but who knows…
my only real point is that women should be overall yin and men overall yang..
the chemistry is most intense when they are maximal… that doesn’t mean every man is godzillla or king kong or that every woman should lie there quietly and wave a white flag..
ugh horror, but a more refined human level of it yes..
the maximal yang yin sex chemistry is pretty brute with a very active male and a very receptive female… and plays out as a strong male providing safety for a potential mother– ie protection/gathering of food etc as driven by the vulnerability of pregnancy
see reference to tarzan and jane
not that all relationships should be this but..
in reference to this article… i think there is a big difference in uptight women and disinterested women.. and a woman being overall receptive yin versus having some yang qualities..
i think women might be able to wake up more sexual desire by having wilder more daring and exhilarating sport style sex more often.. even if they don’t “feel like it”..
it’s like exercising because it’s good for youNovember 8, 2007 at 11:42 pm #25702
I believe any seasoned, fairly introspective, S&M person will tell you that the submissive is the one in control. The box that most find themselves even when rebellion is involved, is quite limiting. I did not see feminism movement bring appreciation of female things, as in men appreciating there own female sides rather it helped brake some limiting mythologies of what a women is. But the appreciation for juicy jade goddesses did not I feel spring from that movement. I think the missing link is the aspect that we all have a female and male side.November 9, 2007 at 5:37 am #25704
Snowlion, Jason was not referring to me in that post but to the writer of the article that Michael posted.
And I believe I have a more honorable place in Jasons heart than that of an idiot.
But thank you for your support thinking it was about me, I appreciate your nourishing words.November 9, 2007 at 5:46 am #25706November 9, 2007 at 6:04 am #25708
>>i think women might be able to wake up more sexual desire by having wilder more daring and exhilarating sport style sex more often.. even if they don’t “feel like it”..<<
You are assuming people are even caring to develop themselves to this extent! Unfortunately most people are scared of sex never mind love. It's much easier to be distracted.
Naturally it's all about polarity, first you have to have the polarity then you *resolve* it, in spirituality you develop androgeny from polarity. Like I say I thought this was taught here…. jNovember 9, 2007 at 6:06 am #25710
You are missing the complicated female being out of sight. I tried the ‘more you practice’ approach and it did not change a bit on how I felt insight. It did not increase sexual desire. Because women don’t operate from their vagina but from the heart.
Heart closed, vagina closed.
Sex is not an exercise (yang), it is an art, a creative play, combining the yin and yang.
Unless you operate against your true nature and use your vagina to manipulate or overrule your heart for many other reasons.
Beside the whole range of emotional jammers making it difficult to enjoy sex,
women who have a demanding job need to activate much more yang than what their nature demands and start to exhaust their bodies. The sexual desire diminishes drastically.
So there is big flaw in our modern society pushing women into yang structures
(US companies are ‘famous’ for squeezing the life force out of people)
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