December 15, 2007 at 1:23 pm #26635
Last year I started with a tao women group, of the 7 women still attending till now(including myself) none survived their marriage. The last one just heard from her husband that he is done with her. She was the last of the 7 and we made jokes during our last meeting she was the next to go through the ‘marriage cruncher’.
It is nice to have support between us and amongst us to find out how to deal with it, especially with children in the process. The interesting thing is that all of us are in a different or similar process, listening to each other we get to know all the stages of the divorce and separation process into a new relationship and the problems that arise in and from that. Listening to each other we find patterns and differences between men and women, and questions how to react and respond on the other, without losing respect for our own nature and keeping respect for the process of the other.
Because a conscious new relationship with heightened awareness is the next and new challenge to face and work through. The neverending story of love and pain placed upon us humans.December 15, 2007 at 3:23 pm #26636
Quite amasing you all get divorced!
Have you and your group coming up to any conclusions about how to make a relationship with heightened awareness. This are issues I’m thinking about in my situation. I have come to the conclusion that I might go into a new relationship again if I and the new one manage to find wery much awareness in what we want and in what we are doing. I’m convinced this is the way I want to go in the future and does feel alot of inner streangths from knowing this is something I will achive and have in my counciousness during all the fases in a relationship.
How to manage it is another question. Perhaps for me the counscious will to achive it is the most important step. And some ohter ways to manage it will arrive from this willingness. But anyway it’s interesting to here about what you have figured out about this.
Sincerely S DDecember 15, 2007 at 3:52 pm #26638
We figured that relationships with high awareness is a straining and demanding situation because we want the very best out of that relationship. The other needs to be ‘perfect’ or we feel the relationship or we or the other is failing. It puts a lot of pressure on the relationship.
High level relationships puts pressure on the other and ourself but also creates incredible possibilities and deep changes. It is finding a balance between accepting the process of the other, allowing our own process without putting ourself out of sight to please the other, without putting pressure yet some pressure is/can be necessary to make changes. So finding that balance is asking a lot of inner work, both in the person as in the relationship together.
A heigthened aware relationship is not like a simple good meal but is demanding refined ingredients and delicate cooking to make a delicious and well balanced dish, it takes time and dedication to cook so nice.
And when the love is genuine, many many good things can arise from it, but what is true love? what is our programming? what is our emotional need?
Many questions arise in such a deep relationship, so you see, it doesn’t make things easier, it makes things more honest, but also very confronting.
So it makes sense to ask yourself if you are you up to facing yourself like that?December 16, 2007 at 12:14 am #26640
It really struck me that all 7 of your group ended up divorced.
Since you were all in a tao group, was there a commonality in the reasons for divorce. I mean was it about spirituality or lack of in your spouses? or was it more common reasons?
MattDecember 16, 2007 at 7:29 am #26642
Well in order of divorce in time,
1. never talks about relationships, has none and doesn’t want to have one, she listenes when it comes to relationships, she is our mystery woman
2. is an older woman who left her abusive marriage when her 4 children where adults, she started coming to the classes right after that to find her strength and heal from deep pain in that marriage. She starts to long for a new relationship.
3 and 4 took tao classes and ended their marriage very fast, a logical step in their already difficult marriage, fed up by the old fashioned way of thinking of their partners, they both left the house. 3. having 2 little daughters and having a new spiritual relationship recently, 4. having 3 young daughters.
5 was claiming last year her marriage was really stable and fine, only 8 months later calling me up saying she was about to leave her husband, wanting to have a deeper and more spiritual relationship and found that in another man. Despite 2 little children she left the house.
6 me, in the middle of the divorce procedure. Selling everything and ending up…. somewhere. In deep process with a new relationship. 3 teenagers.
7 her husband told her last month he has someone else, and because of her changes he feels he is no longer the center of her universe and wants a woman caring for him. She is not planning to make a change in her process for him and is prepared to face the inevitable. We were all surprised he took this step, we were convinced she was the one to make that first move. She says, he makes it more easy for her to take the decision. It is a typical comfort marriage. Having 2 little children.
That makes 7 plus 12 children effected by it.
The classes are not THE reason, but it does gives food for thought and opens up the dialogue between the inner world and the outer world. When the virtues are called upon the inevitable responses are to be lived in the outer world. Staying in a situation when the heart is unhappy is not healthy.
They do say they need the classes and feel very supported by the energy of the group.
There is always a deep sigh when all sit down, sigh of relieve, of letting go, of happiness being together.
The year 9 is ending for all of us, soon, and it was for all of us an intense year, be it work or love, for most of us both. But we all are happy despite the discomfort, the insecurity, the many questions. The year 1 0 will be a year of possibilities and the chance to create our lives, renewing and honoring the heart.December 16, 2007 at 1:02 pm #26644December 16, 2007 at 1:32 pm #26646
Thanks for sharing Wendy. I like what you said in the post above:
“Many questions arise in such a deep relationship, so you see, it doesn’t make things easier, it makes things more honest, but also very confronting.
So it makes sense to ask yourself if you are you up to facing yourself like that?”
MattDecember 21, 2007 at 8:38 am #26648
You are the leader of this group. 7 out of 7 divorcing within one year is an extraordinarily high statistic, unless we assume those attracted to the group were already dissatisfied and thus self-selected in advance.
Please Read the science articles I just posted in Philosophy on Swarming behavior in animals and humans, and the tendency for groups to follow a leader. I would be curious as to your assessment: do you think its possible your “energy body”, which is undoubtedly cultivated to a much higher degree than others in the group, acted like an unconsicous chemical scent or trail that others were following to find greater freedom or meaning in their life?
Maybe you missed a career in divorce counseling….the Tao of Divorce?
Please don’t crunch me next,
MichaelDecember 21, 2007 at 12:55 pm #26650
I would prefer calling it the Tao of Living in Honesty and Truth
And yes there is no doubt that this group has been attracked by a common wish, urge, desire, need to make a change, where the ‘leader’ had to give in too, living and following the shared process.
For all, so far, it meant greater freedom and a new pathway in their lives, but is that not true for most divorced people?
So what is next on my to-do-list in this life…
As the crunching means you live in truth, no need fearing me… 🙂December 21, 2007 at 3:08 pm #26652
I have followed these posts and it seems to me you provided an enviornment for these women to comtemplate, discuss and get support for what they knew was inevitable, excpet for one that was suprised by her partners decision, assuming all the info presented is correct! From what I have seen in my life time is it takes lots of courage to divorce, so much is mixed in a marriage, money dependency, kids, emitions, esteem, etc., such a diffucult thing and process to go through. So I applaued all of you taking the action and not waiting 3, 5, or 10 more years.
baguaDecember 21, 2007 at 4:05 pm #26654
To be honest, I have been waiting 10 years to take this step. I was clearly not mature enough to take that step, having three very little children but above all an intense personal process where I could not have a divorce on top of that. Somehow the marriage provided me a certain stability and grounding which I needed at that time. It never came up in my thoughts to divorce because it did not serve my needs at that time. Yet looking back and giving it a completely honest scanning, the marriage died 10 years ago, not now. It only took 10 years to ripe and to let go of each other, to go through circles, individual and as a couple, finding a ground where we both are able to make the next very deep move in our life.
We are both exploding into the next phase of our development, for that we needed to take this step. It is a very good decision on many levels. I hope we can sustain the friendship we had and till now, still have. It is both our wish.December 23, 2007 at 6:51 am #26656
What are the cultural norms in the society you and your taoists woman group are living in. How acceptalble is it to divorce. How acceptable for women in general to following theire own way?
S DDecember 23, 2007 at 7:37 pm #26658
Like in most northern European countries, we tend to divorce more ‘easily’, although I don’t have statistics. But we do have a 7 to 10 divorce rate (if I remember well), so that is pretty high. Although Belgium belongs traditionally to the more conservative countries but it seems we are becoming ‘better’ and faster making changes.
I belonged to the minority being together for 25 years, that is really long for modern couples. I am 41 now, so I took a very long time to move to divorce.
We talked today how amazing it is that we took 10 years to get to this point. That we could not see, just could NOT SEE the inevitable and the obvious. We didn’t wanted to see it.
The invisible glue, the karmic glue was and still is strong.
It is like we have to pull apart to become free from each other, distance is a helpful tool. And because of distance we start to develop our very unique personality. Away from each other we start to see our differences and we notice that we were getting in each others way to proceed our path.
Despite our strong glue and love we had to get away from each other to grow….
Love is still the engine, how crazy it may seem…December 24, 2007 at 5:56 am #26660
I’m happy to hear that you still have the feeling of love towards eachother. Thats a sign of a good process.
Merry christmas to you.
S DDecember 27, 2007 at 1:09 am #26662
It’s funny how sometimes it’s as much of a dance to
separate out of a relationship as it is to create
one in the first place–almost as if somehow we
need “preparation” to do it.
My very best to your process, and new openness . . .
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