Why Women Should Surrender to Male Sexual Desire (Article by Feminist)

WHY WOMEN MUST LEARN TO SAY YES IN THE BEDROOM, SAYS LEADING FEMALE
THERAPIST
By Dr. Pam Spurr
Daily Mail
November 5, 2007

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=4919
29&in_page_id=1879

When the feminists of the Sixties and Seventies started protesting loudly
about disparities in the treatment of men and women in areas such as
equality at work and educational opportunities, they also quite rightly
urged women to reclaim their bodies for themselves.

For too long, they said, women had been discouraged from understanding their
own desires while pandering to men’s sexual needs. Their battle cry was:
“It’s your body — you should do what you want with it!”

For the first time, women were speaking about taking charge of their
sexuality and sexual relationships. Women also suddenly had access to better
methods of birth control because the Pill freed them from the fear of
unwanted children, and allowed them to postpone motherhood until it suited
them.

Previous generations of women had quite literally laid down their bodies
because it was widely felt that a man should be able to have sex with his
wife whenever he wanted. You were about as likely to find a magazine article
on how women could enhance their sexual pleasure as you were to see a female
in 10 Downing Street.

It certainly wasn’t regarded as being a woman’s prerogative in the first six
decades of the 20th century to insist on sexual satisfaction from her
husband. In fact, such a woman might well have been chastised for even
thinking about such fulfilment.

But feminism was the catalyst for sweeping changes in the sexual landscape
as other social factors came to influence the way women thought about their
sexual selves.

Music idols such as Debbie Harry of Blondie and Madonna paraded their
sexuality on the stage. Films such as Dirty Dancing, Nine-To-Five and When
Harry Met Sally showed women discovering their strengths and becoming
empowered.

Scores of women’s magazines such as Cosmopolitan contained a wealth of
articles ranging from advice about salaries to how to demand sexual
satisfaction.

So what is the result of this sexual revolution, which seems to have
convinced millions of women that “good enough” in the bedroom is no longer,
well, good enough?

In my work as a life coach, agony aunt and psychologist, I regularly
encounter women in their late 20s, 30s and 40s – the inheritors of the
feminist revolution – with bitter regrets over relationships that have
failed on one pivotal issue: the issue of sexual compromise.

And professionals such as myself are being forced to realise that feminism,
with all the wonderful things it did for women, went too far with the “I
will only do as I please” attitude to sex it engendered.

It has produced a generation of women who simply refuse to compromise over
sexual matters with their partners. As a result, they have ruined their
relationships.

Jennifer, 38, the director of a marketing company in fashion, is an
excellent case in point. She arrived at a life-coaching session I was
giving, seeking to improve communication skills with her increasing number
of staff.

She’s a woman who appears to have it all. No man bosses her around because
she’s her own boss. She earns a six-figure salary, has the luxury-holidays
lifestyle along with a supportive and close-knit group of equally successful
female friends. But did she also have a happy marriage?

I thought my meeting with her would be a straightforward session about
management and communication, but my instincts quickly told me – when she
“inadvertently” admitted that her husband had had an affair – that more
important things were on Jennifer’s mind.

She confessed that during the three years before he had strayed, they’d had
virtually no sex – on average once every six months. Because she had thrown
herself into establishing her company, Jennifer had been working terribly
hard and had shown little interest in sex.

This led to arguments, she told me, during which her husband, a property
developer, protested strongly that it left him feeling cold-shouldered. It
never occurred to Jennifer — or the countless other women I have dealt with
on this exact same issue — that eventually he’d look elsewhere.

Don’t misunderstand me. I never encourage or excuse infidelity. But when you
hear story after story of men feeling sexually neglected by women who find
it perfectly natural to put their own interests before their husband’s —
and not for a good reason such as a medical issue or a traumatic event like
a bereavement — I can’t help but feel that some men have little choice, bar
ending the relationship. After all, the human sex drive is a powerful thing,
and requires careful care and consideration between two people.

Jennifer and her husband failed to repair the damage to their relationship,
and many months down the line she was suffering bitter regret over their
impending divorce.

Sarah, 39, a solicitor from Surrey, fared a little better. She didn’t avoid
the emotional pain Jennifer had suffered, but she did avoid divorce when her
husband asked her for a trial separation.

After he dropped that bombshell, Sarah was forced to re-evaluate the way
she’d been treating the sexual side of their relationship. Having had two
children, she’d switched off having sex as though she was turning off a tap.

Her view of what made a contented home life was enjoying her children after
a moderately long working day. At that point, sex simply wasn’t on the radar
for her.

Sarah had been shrugging off her husband’s advances with no thought towards
his feelings. As her husband, an accountant, wasn’t the type to make a fuss
as Jennifer’s did, Sarah had made the dangerous assumption that all was well
in their world, and that their marriage was ticking over the way she liked
it.

What she hadn’t bargained for was the fact that their virtually sexless
marriage had made her husband feel emasculated and unloved. He’d often made
advances prefaced by candlelit dinners. Sarah enjoyed the meals, but
preferred to do some of her casework afterwards.

In measured tones, he’d often asked if there was anything that he could do
differently to reignite her sexual interest? But she’d pooh-poohed the very
thought, as the cut and thrust of her legal work was more exciting.

In the end, he didn’t seek out an affair, but he was seeking a separation;
quietly sick of being refused the warmth and intimacy they’d once enjoyed.

Once she was over the shock of his suggestion, Sarah came to realise that
what she’d seen as a cosy little world had excluded him as an equal partner.
With a good deal of effort on her part, and goodwill on his, they managed to
work through their difficulties and re-establish a sex life that both were
happy with. But it could have been very different.

Over the past two decades, I’ve noticed how much the issues women raise with
me in terms of their sex lives have changed. When I was in my teens, what
was on everyone’s mind was simply experimenting with sex. Women began to
feel a real sense of freedom about harnessing the pleasures their bodies
could provide them with.

The message of feminism at that time was that women no longer had to be
frightened of having sex on their terms. And as sexual matters have become
much more open for discussion, there has been a sea-change when it comes to
women asking their partner to satisfy them. Women are far more likely to
seize the sexual moment and have one-night stands, shortlived flings, and
sexually experiment the way a woman of 40 or 50 years ago never would.

Over the past couple of decades, women are also more likely to have had far
more sexual partners, whereas their mothers and certainly their grandmothers
may have had only one partner and presumed that what they shared was all
there was to sex.

Unfortunately, alongside this growing knowledge of what was satisfying for
an individual woman — and what wasn’t — was a feminist-inspired
selfishness in relationships when it came to sex.

In researching my new book I’ve come to this conclusion: what’s been
forgotten is that such selfishness and other feelings of empowerment, which
have served women well in the boardroom, don’t necessarily translate to the
bedroom.

One divorcee I encountered, Elizabeth, 44, a high-flying advertising
executive, had carved out a successful career from saying “No” at work to
bad ideas and pushy colleagues, and setting firm limits on what others could
and should do. The problem was that she instinctively translated that
hardheaded-attitude and applied it to her own sexual relationship.

She loved her long-term boyfriend, but said his lack of foreplay skills was
killing off her sexual interest. As far as Elizabeth was concerned, she’d
every right to say “No” to sex. He was hurt and angry every time he was
rebuffed. An invisible wall grew between them until he suggested breaking
up.

Only after much soul-searching did Elizabeth acknowledge that her blanket
ban on sex was destroying their relationship. Brought to the brink, she
realised that actually encouraging sensual skills in him was a better
solution.

Of course, I meet people with all sorts of relationship problems, but when
sex is at the heart of it I’ve met literally hundreds of “Sarahs”,
“Jennifers” and “Elizabeths”. They’ve lacked interest in sex for a variety
of reasons, and expected to set the ground rules with no negotiation. The
consequences? Troubled or broken relationships.

Some have decided it’s worth learning to compromise over sex, while others
have steadfastly refused to budge. All have experienced some unhappiness, be
it dealing with arguments or discovering affairs, or facing a break-up they
didn’t want. But the consequences have definitely been worse for those who
fail to compromise.

Just as you may hate being the person responsible for remembering every one
of his relations’ birthdays as well as your own, he may hate being the one
who has to take garden waste to the tip. But such things are all part and
parcel of ensuring a relationship works.

You may think it’s a terrible comparison to make between chores and sex. But
I believe that sex should be seen as a duty because it is one of the most
fundamental ways in which you can make your partner feel better.

What it all boils down to is that just as you’d expect to have discussions
over how to spend any spare cash, where to holiday, and whose parents to
spend Christmas with, so, too, do you need to discuss your sexual desires
and needs.

That’s what’s empowering. It’s actually not empowering when a woman simply
says: “No, my body is mine and I’ll never meet you halfway.” Because
ultimately it may destroy her relationship.

No doubt women of all ages will have strong reactions to what I’m saying,
but it’s interesting for me to speak to people from older generations about
this issue. Without compromising all the wonderful freedoms women now enjoy,
not least equality in the workplace, we can still learn something from our
grandparents.

Rather than taking a “me, me, me” attitude to life as soon as you step into
a relationship, it should be a “we, we, we” attitude, which gives equal
weight to both partners’ needs. Sometimes that means making love to your
partner even when you’re not in the mood. But you do so because you know
it’ll make the person you love happy.

Obviously I’m against any excessive pressure from a man for you to have sex
when it’s not desired. But rejecting him time and again simply because you
can is almost guaranteed to lead to disaster.

Did those feminists who made so many marvellous strides for womanhood
realise what road they were urging women to travel down when they urged the
sisterhood to take control of their sex lives? It’s a credo I believe has
left many women with failed relationships, many with regrets and bitterness.

You may not want to have sex, just as you may not want to visit his parents,
but you must tend to every aspect of your relationship if you wish it to
survive.

………….

Dr Pam Spurr’s new book, “Fabulous Foreplay – The Sex Doctor’s Guide To
Teasing And Pleasing Your Lover” (J.R. Books, £7.99), is out now.

…………