Retreat Review

So I arrived at the hermitage one week ago on Saturday.
My intent was to try to recreate the positive chi experience at
my last retreat. I went into it with certain expectations.
I intended to do a lot of daily qigong, and I intended to work
on several deep seated issues.

What ended up happening was quite unexpected.

The morning I woke up, I had a really bad headache.
It lasted all day, and then in the evening, I felt feverish
and my throat sore. Yes, I was coming down with a bad cold!
This was certainly unexpected, and not what I was hoping for.

Needless to say, my intended 8 hours a day of qigong and
meditation was reduced down to approximately 2, as I felt
really tired and crummy and not really wanting to do much of
anything. Since I brought along reading material, I spent
much of my time reading. I ended up reading “The Magus of Java”,
the book about John Chang (the mysterious Chinese guy from
Indonesia who has a different form of internal alchemy and
is known for his “circus qigong” of lighting newspapers on
fire, shocking people with chi, etc.). It was a fun read.
Even though I think energy should be spent learning neigong
more pointed toward practical immortality (like HT) rather
than one devoted toward projecting chi outward, if you
like an entertaining story, I recommend it. While reading
it, I couldn’t help thinking “this is the path to the dark side
of the force, Luke” and the emperor from Star Wars with
his shock lightning etc. as I read about all of the supernatural
chi powers possessed by John Chang.

Despite feeling horrible (I am absolutely sure the cold was
caused by working myself too severely in the time period leading
up to my Spring Break), I did manage to do some qigong–like
I said about 2-3 hours a day. I ended up doing the Deep
Healing Qigong daily, along with the Primordial Qigong. Also
did some sporadic Tao Yin, rooting exercises, bone beating etc. from
QF4. Spent some time also doing some still sitting meditation
(ala Zen), just to do something extra that wasn’t too taxing
considering my cold.

I went in hoping to tackle some deep internal issues that
were “foremost” on my list. I couldn’t get any of these to
budge. However, what did happen was quite amazing. One
deep internal issue that I really didn’t have on the priority
list suddenly and quite unexpectedly resolved itself . . .
having to do with an old relationship–actually a big important
one.

Rather than paraphrase, I think it is best said by the raw
feeling and heart voice that caused me to document the
situation on paper that very night. What follows was
written on that night:

It happened while deep in meditation. Suddenly a lot of deep
internal pain I’ve felt for a long time surrounding the end
of the relationship to an ex-girlfriend finally began to release.
I really loved her and the rockiness of the last few years of the
relationship followed by the final end to it left me with feelings
of pain, abandonment, and anger. Now a year and a half later, I
finally feel a sense of peace. No longer angry at her, I feel
a sense of forgiveness to her, myself, and the whole situation.
I’m grateful for having known her. The time we spent together
in pleasant times gave me a true experience of love. The time spent
in conflict, the internal pain and anger over the end of the
relationship was a blessing in disguise. I can honestly say that
without those things, I wouldn’t have begun this long journey of
internal spiritual cultivation and growth. From the dark deep
internal pain that worked on me from within, a birthing process
of change was begun. Thus having known here and having been
brought to a source of raw emotion in its wake, I found a catalyst
for transformation. Pain and heartache are the places we go to grow.
So once again I am grateful–grateful for having experienced love and
grateful for the pain–grateful for the pain as it has guided me
to seriously pursue this spiritual path . . . a path I may not
have followed were it not for her. As such all pain and anger toward
her has finally been released, and replaced with forgiveness and
gratitude. From my inner heart, I wish nothing but good things
for her and the best for her path. I feel such a true sense of joy
and happiness now surrounding that chapter of my life; it’s quite
remarkable really–and quite surprising. For a long long time
I tried to forgive, I tried to let go of the pain, but even though I
did so in my head, there was still a raw pain and anger within. I had
tried to put it out of my mind and just focus on other internal struggles.
In fact, as I began this weekend, I had other intentions in mind–other
internal demons to face. Then suddenly, out of the blue, this situation
which I hadn’t even been thinking about, resolved itself. The “gremlin”
in me is almost amusedly annoyed, because other big issues that I want
to process remain in the cauldron, but the one that haunted me for so
long that I wasn’t “consciously” working on, ended up being resolved.
Oh how funny we are! Even so, I couldn’t be happier. I feel such peace
and gratitude. What a rewarding journey this has been.

At any rate, it ended up being quite an unexpected time in retreat
due to a lot of unforeseen events, but at the same time quite rewarding.

I then left, and began my drive to Asheville, NC to take the Fusion 1
workshop with Michael.

Report on that to soon follow.

Peace,
Steven